top of the tops for 2009

top list for 2009

~loosing my panda bear~
you are so greatly missed
but i completely understand.
love you lots panda

learning about how joffery works
(saved my sanity that night )

my 30th year game and jersey to match me!

driving out for the best milk shake ever and going on the one lane bridge

ab's giving a little biology/family tree lesson at her graduation

finding out i'm going to be an aunty again

playing x's and o's with the captain at 4am on the couch

30

screeching weasel with the super cute one

stitching gutz i <3

my position at work =D

losing the first 5 of many

mcdonalds with jon g.

Elizabeth and Ryan's wedding!!!!!

WOW

meeting ALEX cuz she effin rocks

my piece of snuggle cardboard

late night phone calls from across the pond

paintings

all the hardcore duo moments and hugs

long drive to calgary and even longer walk from warped to the car but a phenomenal day with one of my bestest friends including a nap in the sun listening to punk rock thanks D. hopefully i didn't complain too much on the way home.

blink 182 with murmur and a super hawt lady!

:an's emails

infection figured out!

zombieland dress up with monkey butt

road trips with the gso
especially the last one to calgary, meant more to me then he'll know

night shifts with my favorites

long drives with bosman

last but not least

SW00T

it was a year of ups and downs started out crap but ended up pretty darn awesome.
thanks gang can't wait for 2010!

and then there is one ....one little post wawawa

i had drafted 8 posts but then they some how were only drafts and not published then i lost all but one little post that was the one below this one.

lots has been happening. i am getting moved to another unit. still working in concurrent disorders just on another unit that's larger. i'm looking forward to it, i'm always up for change and new things. my reference had lunch with me the other day. he's worked on addiction units and he gave me a lot of great advice that changes from working in a rehab/dry out center to a dual diagnosis unit. it was great. i took a lot from it and hopefully i can be a better aide for it.

the gso got a full time job on the unit attatched to my new one and i'm so happy for him! we worked together the other week and he saved me by picking up a coffee for me. i'm so excited for him. he got me a world of warcraft game card for xmas! i totally needed one mine ran out the day i got it. lol. good timing or what. i blame him for getting me hooked on it, i love when we get to play together. makes it more fun for sure. still not sure which i love more playing wow with him or watching movies with him and eating rediculous amounts of candy until our tummy hurts, either way anytime with him is a good time for sure.
that was the start of some pretty stellar gifts. like the one from my bestest friend bosman. i'm already spoiled with the fact that's always there for me and one of the strongest men with the biggest heart i know but then he goes and spoils me with a gift that made me break down and cry..... the best painting ever called couture.

christmas was as always a busy time, but for me it was busy cuz i filled it with work, double time and over time, shortchanging then driving to calgary. haven't been into christmas in the last 8 years. especially since my gramma passed away. i still love watching the kids but that's about it. oh well maybe that's just the way it goes for some people. i would rather have another halloween on christmas but apparently it's just a movie and blink song so on we go. it was great to see my dad this year and family in calgary. my dad's gifts made me cry, a photo album of how much he loves me. a portable hard drive and photos in frames and a usb glitter lava lamp iced the cakes.

mom and darryl got me into a weight loss program and i'm sure that will be the biggest change for me for 2010. along with journals and other great things. and Dmaster, got me a wallet (i desperately needed) done by another one of my fave artists. Camilla d'Errico. it's lovely. and i got a book from :an called sense and sensibility and sea monsters. should be awesome.

brrrrrr

Not sure what's going on in this little bodkin of mine but on the unit i work on i keep cycling through hot and cold, it's really annoying. one minute i'm down to a t shirt, then a long sleeved shirt THEN i'm darting to the coat hooks to grab my bunny hug cuz i"m ffffffreeeeeeeezing. Next i'll be raiding the blanket warmer! Those have to be the greatest inventions ever. I keep the blow dryer beside my bed to warm it up. I'm too lazy and cold to go all the way downstairs and throw the blankies in the dryer to warm em up so this will do for now.

the sound track to a perfect moment

I still stand by that this is the ultimate song of the red ball explanation of how I think and I still love the original video of the throwies where i found this song. its so pretty.....

I'm ready Bring it on!

I can't say enough how grateful I am to my circle of besties. You guys are always there for me and I totally appreciate that. Never telling me what I have to do or what I'm going to do, you all listen, allowing me to vent, the offer me the best support a girl could imagine. You offer the art of listening without judging, you offer a hug, you offer to come to appointments that are scary or events that will become memories. You understand I'm not going to have expectations or ask for help often. You just show up at random and help with the situation not trying to fix it as that would take away from the whole learning curve I'm experiencing. You give words of encouragement or distraction, you sincerely listen and afterwards say things like "i know i can't make it better but i am here to support you in anyway i can" or just the simple "i love you" when least expected or compliment on a whim. Those are what get me through my day and keep me sailing forward.

A lot of you know I've been sick for the last 6 months fighting infection after infection and that similar situations had been happening for years with a short stint of freedom in between. I'm taking a controversial medication in order to prevent further infection and pretty much wipe out the ones in progress. While I'm a bit scared of the side effects, and not completely excited about completely changing my plans over the next two years for it, I am certain that this is my higher power's plan for me and I trust that I'm ready for it and strong enough to make it through. I have the greatest support system out there, Bosman, Dallas, the GSO, Brenty, Dmaster and the girls. Mar has been there for me through everything and especially with our parents away she's been a huge support for me. I have the most supportive parents who care so much about me I'm so blessed. (not all of this came easily, those who know our story, know this too a freaking long time to get to where we are and with a great deal of struggle, but it was worth the wait) and I'm sure with their guidance and help I'll be able to get through the next year at least and find an answer to a few if not a fist full of questions I have on this whole ordeal. I'm debating on blogging about it or not. I think it's an interesting time for health and health care right now or that could just be because it's my profession.

I just have to say again though I'm soo appreciative of your guy's support and love and friendship and with all of it I'm excited to get this done and move on to the next challenge. I'm ready, Bring it On!

time well spent with the captain

I'd like to officially thank captain picnic for the last 2 1/2 hours i have wasted trying to play bloons. Even though you're all the way in Saskatchewan, I know you were here in spirit cheering me on through each level that I swore at all the way to lvl 32. Great game great effin game (that's right i said effin!)

snow day

so i got completely stuck backing out of my house, Dameon came and saved me,

the system is down

turns out some people had no idea what i was referencing in my video clip of the street lamp with me singing doodoodoodoodoo so here it is folks. Strong bad the techno email... here's also a link to the car video

Face-Off With a Deadly Predator

effin awesome

updaterd

so i got the line at work that i wanted, i also hit my hours for a raise and now i get benefits and that thing called a pension if i make my hours. yay!

i'm hoping now i can have some more free time to hang out with people, and blog. i still think on night shift i should bring in my laptop and type everything out in word then go publish it in the morning when i get home.

also in news i ding'd my world of warcraft toon up to lvl 68 yup i'm pretending i'm going to be a big girl now. it's only taken me forever and a day plus 2. and a lot of help from bosman lancey pants and the gso and kimi and a few others. but i'll make it to 80 eventually! who'da thunk i'd be playing WoW lol.

i don't know why but i'm so bipolar when it comes to christmas. i love the tree, i love the lights(but not the stupid led ones that give me twitchy eyes), but i hate the idea of it, i hate HAVING to buy people gifts by a certain time, and i hate waiting to see what i got and i hate christmas shopping. I don't mind some of the music. But i just hate being forced into it all and i prolly have a bit of bitterness with the whole idea that i don't get to see my mini munchkin open presents. i know that's selfish but it comes up a lot. i see her lots through the year, and honestly if i had the opportunity to see her on christmas morning i might pass it up as it would be too raw and painful. christmas, her birthday, her family day and mothers day are all days that while most of the time i'm ok, other years it hurts. don't get me wrong though, i'm so happy with my life now and with how things turned out and what direction they are going in. i'm so grateful for everything, but that doesn't mean i don't have moments where i slip into the what would it be like pauses. they only last a moment but a moment is enough. maybe i'm a grinch for not LOVING christmas but i promise i'll smile through it and do so sincerely at the parts i enjoy and i won't steal it from you. ;)

and while i may not be counting down till xmas (btw don't worry i will send my xmas cards around valentines day as per usual, sent them on time a few years back and freaked everyone out, so no worries folks) but i am counting down to screeching weasel!!! Dal and i are going and i couldn't be more excited *swoon*

FFS EFFING FRENCH

so turns out abs got me one of my favorite designer`s bags how excited am i? pretty damn excited. she and her family always get me the best shiz for xmas. I`m totally not a designer kinda person. I just finished reading lojo`s blog about purses and i have to admit I totally agree with her. I too have an onslaught of bags of bestfriendies past. and one would assume that since i can make bags i`d be the bag diva, but alas i am not because i hate my own things, i`d rather use something someone else made. my girl friend made me the coolest bag with a tie as a strap and fun fur on the inside. i love that bag dearly and even though it`s all falling apart from over use i still have it and love it. i can`t part with it. just as i can`t part with any bag before or after. i`ll always tell myself some silly reason to keep it around. i do the same thing with tshirts...i don`t get it.

in other news i got a raise and a permanent position on my unit of dual diagnosis. (mental illness and addiction) which means benefits, and pension and more/guaranteed hours SW00T! I am so friggin happy.

i also have come to the conclusion that i dont like the keyboard at work there for i don't blog. so my fix for that will to bring my lappy top to work and type out stuff on word then post it when i get home so you can keep up with my rapid thoughts


ps i get to go see screeching weasel soon!

ppss my stupid computertron is back in french for ffs I CANT EVEN MAKE ANGRY FACE CUZ ITS IN EFFIN FRENCH!!!! GAH!!!!! im so frèaking mad i tell it we are in mexico and it still goes into french mode i dont gÈt it!

So I found out what my awesome lil Abs is getting me for Christmas. Now I don't usually gush over girly things like handbags, yes I do enjoy a good bag and love making them but I do not enjoy spending an over priced amount on any one brand and yeah I usually just find whatever works for slinging over the shoulder. But on this particular occasion I was quite excited.....I'm getting a Betsy Johnson Bag!!!

painting

I need to come up with some seriously awesome ideas of things to paint any suggestions?

I need to put up my christmas tree and lights.....any cute boys wanna help me with the lights?

and I need to do a kartwheel....off i go!

running through my head but not with scissors luckily

I can still remember
The words and what they meant
As we etched them with our fingers
In years of wet cement
The days blurred into each other
Though everything seemed clear
We cruised along at half speed
But then we shifted gears

We ran like vampires from a thousand burning sons
But even then we should have stayed
But we ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

Identities assume us
As nine and five add up
Synchronizing watches
To the seconds that we lost
I looked up and saw you
I know that you saw me
We froze but for a moment
In empathy

I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness away

But you ranaway
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?

We’re all ok, until the day we’re not
The surface shines, while the inside rots
We raced the sunset and we almost won
We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on

We ran away
Now all my friends gone
Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from ?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone ?


I'm so conflicted with thoughts today, go here no go there, fix this no don't it's not worth it, move forward but i can't quit looking back in hope or shattered dreams?. my body wants one thing my mind another and my heart just isn't where either of the first mentioned two are. Fawk I'm so mad at you for choosing for us and on the other hand if you didn't i'm not sure what would happen other wise. I know you care what i think or you wouldn't have ran it past me first, even if it was to let me know before you jumped. For foxcreek. Why do I care so bloody much. oh yeah, cuz i'm me.....i know this does not make any sense, and maybe that's the point, it's not even really making sense to me today. it was in my head and i had to get it out. I know that you all read this loyally and usually i write for you but this little rant was just for me. Tomorrow will be fine, i'll be back on track and things working tickity boo.

Hot nurses

aren't so bad are they?

I haven't been blogging a lot because I haven`t done a whole lot. I`ve been sick and back again on antibiotics. I`m getting tired of being on them. I got the h1n1 shot over 10 days ago so it better not be the h1n1. I haven`t felt well since I got the shot. I`m not a doctor and not a nurse, but if I was in a normal job I wouldn`t get the shot. I think there`s something really odd about how fast they pushed it onto us. I had a friend who had a reaction to it and most of the people that I know that have gotten it haven`t felt that great after getting it.

And what do ya know my computer keeps going into french...ffs. It`s so annoying how it randomly changes without notice. Anyways hopefully it will get more interesting soon I`m getting bored in my own life and that`s kinda weird.

I've been sick for the last week. I tried to go to work the other day but that didn't work out. As I was sitting waiting for my mom to pick me up I sat in the front reception of the hospital where I work and had something interesting happen.

thanks Dmaster, good thing we gotz it figured out .....

Narwhals

up and running?

so halloween came and went, it was actually really tough for me because it was the first halloween in 5 years that I didn't take abs trick or treating. it's not the worst thing in the world but when you figure i prolly only have another 2-3 years tops to take her out every year counts. but i had to work and without a roomate to help subsidise the rent (still have a hole in the wall to fix in the room that i'm renting go figure people don't like to rent a room with a hole in it, but they're happy with a hole aka a window?) i have to work all the shifts i can. which as of late has been 6 a week with an over time in there some where. *sigh*

so i didn't get to go out, i didn't get to wear the cthulhu costume i made, and yeah it sucked. it's my favorite day of the year and i spent it pretty much like all my other days but in a unicorn jacket, but honestly i wear that every so often just around the house. meh.

i just re applied for my job, if you don't know the story about the shamawz also known as my line at work, don't worry, you're lucky you haven't been victim to the subject. long story short i've interviewed for my position a few times now, and hopefully this is the last one. so keep your fingers crossed for me kiddies, my interview is on the 10th. sw00t.

speaking of work, i got my h1n1 shot, not before the flames, but prolly before most of the public. i wasn't going to get it originally, and honestly i don't think i needed to, i don't get sick. norwalk ran rampant through all the hospital last year and i didn't get it, my whole family has h1n1 but me, i just don't get it. but since i'm a health care worker i figured maybe i would, but i'm not getting the flu shot, although i am thinking about calling in autistic tomorrow since apparently that's the side effect from this puppy, not to mention my sore arm and yuck feeling.

i haven't been writing much because i haven't been able to concentrate on a whole lot lately. as most of you know i've been on a harsh regiment of antibiotics, and well as most of you know they throw me into a pretty heavy downward spiral, and the last thing i can do is come up with sentences to say or respond with let alone blog. but i'm feeling better finally. and things are looking up.

madd props go to all my friends for helping out with this, (Bosman,Dall, Pickles, amy kim, lancey, brenty, Dmaster, my work friends, the GSO(thanks for helping around my house) and) :AN for being so awesome and spoiling me rotten with dvds comics and a plant of daisies.

well i'll do my best to blog more this month but that shouldn't be a problem. but i'm off to bed i'm wiped. nighty night

Happy LoLoween

Happy Halloween gang. It's been kidna blah this year. I've worked on my cthulu costume

Owl City- Rainbow Veins

rainbow rainnnnnnnnbow something i needed this morning.

some photos from the past month

i find it odd how my eye color
changes on it's own free will

green

blue

the other bed my dad built

my head is still fogged in with bits of insanity. i can't wait for the antibotics to be done with the high does.

for the guy who smiles now only in my heart.

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x4]

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
Cos they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x8]

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you

I heard this remix and thought of you instantly. I miss you so much, I'm going through it again and I know you're there I can feel you. As my heart starts to race and I start to panic I can feel your hand on my heart slowing it down and guiding me through slowing my thoughts down enough to make sense of them, just like you always used to. I hope that you knew/know how much you mean to me. How much I appreciate you and how grateful i am for the time we spent together. I know there is nothing I could have done to change the out come of all this and I don't know if I can say I would have tried. I just hope you realize how much you truly are missed. Love you lots.

The world's deepest bin - Thefuntheory.com - Rolighetsteorin.se

this is the greatest set of ideas in years, honestly i don't know why people question my love for VW...they have always been innovators on all fronts, and you can fit all your ikea junk in one! for more information check out thefuntheory.com

Piano stairs - TheFunTheory.com - Rolighetsteorin.se

Bottle Bank Arcade - TheFunTheory.com - Rolighetsteorin.se

4months and counting

i miss you so much mandy, i just can't explain why it's been hurting so much these days. i think i need to go back to grief counseling or something. i keep thinking how close of a connection we had, how proud both of us were of our children and of our adoption stories. i think about how easily we could be in the others shoes. i love you sweetie and i miss you so much.

i was thinking all the sadness could be coming out because i'm back on antibiotics and they make me teary. i get less absorption of my vitamins and that throws me every time. not to mention makes me incredibly tired. oh well hopefully my hair cut tomorrow will make it better. (I also miss :AN shhhh it's a secret)

went to visit the mini one and almost started crying while we were watching youtube vids and i was tearing up as i pulled out of the drive way today. we had an awesome visit.

she's the greatest kid ever. i know everyone says that about their kids, but honestly the way she understands everything blows my mind away every time. she just totally 'gets' the adoption and what she doesn't understand she asks questions until its settled in her mind. she just 'gets' big things in life while still continuing to be awed by the wonders she's discovering as she grows up. like i texted to the GSO and Brenty and bosman, it's hard to leave her always but sometimes its harder then others, and today was one of those days. she gave me a plastic glo bracelet so i wouldn't be scared of the dark, with instructions if the power goes out i have to phone her so i won't be scared cuz she'll remind me to use the bracelet and then it won't be totally dark. and i had to have it on the drive home so i wouldn't be scared driving in the dark. i love the one we call mini.

megamaman

so on my wonderful night shift one of my co workers has been helping me with my goal of knitting a megaman toque. and i'm livin' the dream i tell ya, livin the dream...
she even taught me how to fix my mistakes. for the first time in a long time i really am enjoying knitting. i wish my grama could see me know she'd be so proud.

my three fave things

zombies, Ben Weasel and cartoons!

the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle.

and



i still can't get enough of these cartoons.

she's craftay

ooooh i can't wait to give some of you your christmas presents this year, they're all gonna be weird and fantastic and even if you don't appreciate them i don't even care cuz i've had so much fun making and crafting them. i've learned over the years that not everyone appreciates hand made gifts, and this saddens me in parts of my heart but i don't hold it against you. i used to be annoyed by them too at times but now i cherish anything made for me. i think it's something you grow out of if you were ever a spoiled kid. (which a long time ago i was) anyways all the gifts are gonna be super sw00t! just you wait.

warning blogging while under the influence and lack of sleep

i've been having interesting conversations this past month. so many, and so interesting that i'm getting lost on who they were with. i know i've had at least 2 with this topic so i'm gonna run with it....


so i know for sure i was talking to Dmaster tonight about this and I think :AN was the other and i know there was someone else but i just can't put my finger on it....holla if you are that person~

anywho,

lists....we all know that i'm a list freakazoid and that's cool. but what's odd is how us girls (i'm using this as a blanket and i'm sorry if this offends you....actually really i dont care tonight...) have lists on what they are looking for in a guy. here is an example that came up as a #1 hit on google

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Spamwise Looks For In Elves, Dwarves and Men

1. He must be intelligent and articulate.
2. He must have an appreciation for good food [although he does not have to be a foodie].
3. He must have respect for geeks. They rule the world and they’ve triumphed over those silly high school jocks.
4. He must be emotionally mature and in touch with his feelings. Romance is not a dirty word.
5. He must be aware of the meaning behind a light blue hanky and a dark blue hanky.
6. He must have a sense of humor. Smile a little, laugh a lot.
7. He must never mix the soy sauce with the wasabi. California rolls are an abomination best left hidden.
8. He must not be a Republican. Or a libertarian.
9. He must understand the difference between role-playing games/RPGs and roleplaying situations. One of these things has nothing to do with the other.
10. He must know how to kiss, and not like a pez dispenser.
11. He must be compassionate.
12. He must know what he wants out of life. It’s fine to be aimless when you’re a twenty year old Young Thing, not so much when you’re in my age range.
13. He must not be a one note top. It’s all about the motion of the ocean.
14. He must not be a pushy bottom. Good sex is like Torville and Dean’s Bolero.
15. He must be gainfully employed.
16. He must not be a butter nazi. Fat equals flavor.
17. He must know the difference between Barthes and Sartre and be prepared to defend one over the other.
18. He must like old movies.
19. He must know who Jack Kirby and Frank Miller are.
20. He must have some appreciation for Barry Manilow.
21. He must not mix up Olivia Newton-John with Jane Fonda.
22. Opera is not a foreign language.
23. A penis is not a weenie. Don’t give your dick a pet name unless it’s extraordinarily special, if you know what I mean.
24. “Toned” does not exist in his lexicon. He doesn’t have to be a meathead but he should recognize that one goes to the gym to lift, not to “tone up”.
25. He must not take over the bed when we’re sleeping.
26. He must like to take showers, but not obsessively.
27. He must recognize that musical genius did not begin with Madonna.
28. He should tell me to shut up when I get hysterical.
29. He must be courteous and polite. Always let a woman exit an elevator first, always say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and NEVER talk about your ex[es] on the first date, among other things.
30. He must not express incredulity at my lack of knowledge of pop culture.
31. Books are not meant to be wall decorations.
32. He shouldn’t be as serious as I am.
33. John Belushi and Jay Leno ARE NOT the same person.
34. He must read at least one newspaper. Sorry, but the N.Y. Post does not qualify. Ditto for the Daily News.
35. He must not watch The Food Network. Or if he does, he must recognize that Bobby Flay can’t cook jackshit.
36. He must not be half my height.
37. He must have a reasonably well-kept appearance.
38. He must be self-confident. “Dominant” and “masculine” are not words in his vocabulary. Those qualities are self-evident in his nature without him having to say so.
39. He must like to wear sneakers.
40. He must be a fan of public transportation.
41. He must not equate New York City with Sodom-on-the-Hudson.
42. He must be able to be flamboyant. Get in touch with your inner Ethel.
43. He must like holding hands in public.
44. Being gay is a part of him but he doesn’t wear it on his sleeve.
45. He must be a good listener, in addition to being able to communicate effectively.
46. He must be a good person. Put it another way: you don’t have to be spiritual to be religious, but you can’t have religion without spirituality.
47. He must be able to go from Water Music to wild child in under five seconds.
48. He must not be provincial.
49. He must not have a cell phone. Or if he does, he should be patient with me because I am cellphone-less.
50. Barbra is a goddess. That is all.

Maybe I’m being too exclusive with these requirements. Oh well, there’s always Craigslist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a list but it fell apart after a few discussions, and then i went list-less for quite some time, until tonight maybe?

My List of Must haves:

no addicts

communication skillz

Drivers License

No DUI's

toleration of kidletts

a cellphone

some idea of what a job looks like

an up for anything attitude

understanding of my whacked out schedule of shift work and sleeping pattern.

laid back but enjoys my randomness (this is pretty big, all my relationships that lasted more then 4 months have been with guys who are calmer and more laid back then I am because we balance each other out)

Nice to haves:

a car

love of cars

understanding of geeky things

can handle going to a hockey game

would be nice if they had a bit of a weird sleeping habit but again this is my nice to have

loves movies as much as i do

wow my lists are pretty weak comparatively. maybe Dmaster can refresh my memory on my list selection from the past but i can't think of anything else, maybe it's standards i'm thinking of that need to be higher lmao who knows, but i know there isn't much that would come up in conversation where i'm like "wow this isn't going to work cuz he just said that", you know the convesation/date-ability killer that slashes through slice by slice....

what would yours be?

Hey There Cthulhu

I swoon over this so i yanked it off of :AN's facebook :) I'm sure he won't mind ;)

small explanations to something so big

I rarely bring out my personal stuff with abs but i'm making her another collection of songs for her 4th cd, this one i'm going to actually give her but recently someone close to her has been sick and she asked me why they sleep all the time now and i tried to explain that sometimes when people get sick or don't feel good they need to have more sleeps...*i'm tearing up as I'm typing this* and she said she understood, and she hopes they feel better soon because she loves them so much. how do you explain to such a little soul something so complicated? i hope i do an ok job when the tough questions come out. this video with intro just explains it all to me. so I think i might run it through my laptop and convert it into a track on her cd and put it at the end so maybe she won't understand now but when she gets older she can see that i did my best to explain what's going on.....and maybe she can see how strong she's become because she's so caring.

on a happier note i'm sure lego will be pleased to know that while i was playing some music for her to see what she's into for her little cd, she is a hard hitting one, loves her metal, lovese her punk rock, LOVES HER HARDCORE loves her dnb that's what the good stuff is made of. we did a good job with her i think.....yup we did.

thinking of cupcakes and him

nothing has been the same since i went to her wedding and i love it that way.

enjoy the video gang.

ps. lancey pants thanks for supporting me and making my day with the text messages today love you lots sweetie.

don't wanna hear you saying thankyou

this is a remix of my favorite choices song done just for my favorite muppet. I've been signing with a patient at work lately and so I came across this and thought it was purty rad.

also it was W birthday and he always reminds me of oscar, sometimes he's cranky but he's always giggles and smiles down there inside. He's getting so big and I love him as if he were from me. Happy Birthday big guy!

And it's oscars favorite season, Autumn, cuz it's so noisy and the trees trash the ground with their leaves, I love fall, but all of you read that every year so yeah I won't go on.....but i enjoyed the fall weather today with C and we went out to the secret not so secret spot Jeffner showed me when we were just little. So it all ties in. Had a super great day. and very productive, I was up at 6am doing the L word even....crazy i know

I'm home sick for Edmonton. I've been home sick for the last two weeks and I can't tell you exactly why. Maybe it's missing my friends, being bored when I get home from work, not having that random group of friends to chose from to hang out with at any moment. Although I don't think I'm going anywhere just yet. I would miss my family, and friends here in the deer. I just feel like a change and need some shuffle in my routine.

my wow factor dentist.

wow does my mouth ever hurt today. it's a never ending battle with my world of warcraft fanatic dentist to clean up the infection that's been hurting my poor mouth. he's a gooder and i'd recommend him to anyone but if you love world of warcraft then he's the best of the best to go to. i thoroughly enjoy every one of my visits minus the needles, drills and minor pain and such. the conversation cannot be beat...for a dentist, or gamer. I love it.

Loaded Tubbin

Loaded Tubbin


so one of the blogs i follow has a link to awkward family photos and this is one of them, funny site thought i'd post a pic from it to give an idea. thanks D for the link.

i went to the dentist today to get my infection drained and my dentist started talking to the assistant about his character in world of warcraft. then they started trying to include me in the conversation and by then end of the appointment my dentist was trying to convince me to change servers and join his guild.seriously WoW.

my infections are still here and i'm back yet again on antibiotics and they are driving me nuts. drrrrrrrrr hopefully this is the end of it but i'm not holding my breath.

i'm greater then x but lesser then y

today was my gramma's 89th birthday party in cochrane. it was great to go down there and spend time with her and abs and my family. she told me how happy she was that i could make it and how she really wasn't expecting me and that it meant a great deal to her. we sat and ate dinner together and watched everyone open up their gifts. i chatted with cousins i haven't seen in months and made plans to go hang out with them on tuesday but i think those plans are about to change since I'm going to be working yet another over time and i'm starting to wear out.

after i went for a hot tub with the gso at his hotel. i was actually getting really excited to see him by the time i got there. my heart was heavy when i had to leave him to come back to ponoka to go to work my night shift. i miss him so much. i think that's also part of the reason i'm working so much, so that i can keep busy while he's away. i knew i missed him always being around online but i didn't realize until today just HOW much i miss him period. he's become one of my best friends and just this little stint makes me wonder......how in the eff am i going to survive going to africa for so long?

nothing of any ground significance

tomorrow i'm going to cochrane to see my gramma. she's the last remaining grandparent i have. it's hard to think that my dad is 5 years away from where my mom lost her father. i would be so lost without either of my parents. they are such a huge source of support for me. it's taken so many years to build that trust with them again i couldn't imagine having that ripped away with a diagnosis of emphysema or stomach cancer in the short span of 5 years. abs would be the same age as me in 5 years when i lost my first grandparent. it's so odd and eerie at the same time. NOT TO WORRY NO ONE IS SICK.....so far ;)


i'm back on nights at work after a small hiatus i have returned. its funny i don't realize how many people actually read my blog until i stop posting for a while and then people start questioning if i'm ok because i'm not blogging. but i have to admit i'm the same way with the blogs i read. i was sick but now i'm back and ready to blog for all my wonderful readers in the blogisphere. sw00t!

hmmmmm now here's the tricky part....what to blog what to blog.....i was going to post octopus pics but this computer is taking too long to load. wow i just got really tired trying to look at pictures. i worked 3pm-1145pm last night, shortchanged into days 7am-330pm and then another short change into nights tonight 1130pm-7am. then i go see my gramma and the gso tomorrow and then back into nights again 1130pm-7am.

ok so i made it to 6am it actually got easier and i'm more awake nw then when i got on the unit. Tomorrow may be pretty brutal though. we'll see i guess.

chchchchch

d master put this cd on a usb key for me and i was obsessed with this track. it would stir my heart head and soul all at once. finally i had to stop listening to it because it made me feel to an extreme that almost hurt inside, bringing up painful memories and feelings of love and shattered dreams that re created new ones. then the gso saw i had the cd and picked this out to play about a month or so ago when we were on one of our awesome random road trips and i'm back to listening to it again. i have another vid that i'll post tomorrow. i'm so tired but i promised bosman that i would post something because it's been 8 days. sorry it's been so sparatic. but that's what happens when i'm on antibiotics, it messes up my system which messes up the system which ends up messing up my frequency of posting on my blog. i have a hard time focustrating on anything these days. hopefully i'm on my last batch so i'll be good to go soon.

definitely

930 pm and no night note to write.

My friend did one of those question thingy listy things on face book and I ended up in it. Made me feel a lot better and brought a water filling up my eyes. I miss you so much and we really do have to go for beer and really make it happen! Thank you Lindsay.



1. Teshonkwa L
2. Jacquie T
3. Steve Doll
4. Chandra R
5. Tony
6. Jaela S
7. Kareenery
8. Mikel (Brucey)
9. D-Dub Evanochko
10. Laura E
11. Nicole W

→What is 7's only weakness?

Her soul is too beautiful for this world.



These antibiotics have my head for a spin and my infection is really frustrating me. But everytime I turn around my friends are there with encouragement and a smile, or hug or a distraction to help me through the next process. Thanks for the reminders gang. I couldn't be getting through this without you. I'm going crazy not being able to work, being nausious all the time and in pain for the last two months. But I keep my chin up cuz things are gonna get better. For sure for sure.

when you were born they looked at you and said what a good girl what a smart girl what a pretty girl.

I haven't blogged in 2o some odd days, the GSO brought that up yesterday and I honestly didn't realize it was that long. I didn't even realize he still read this.

I've been busy being sick. Yup sick. I had an infection in my finger that went through my body, then I got the flu. Gross. I never get sick but once I got on anti biotics my vitamins weren't being absorbed properly and well that leaves my immune system back to where it used to be and my sleep and everything else. In one big messy mess. Now on top of the flu I also have a tooth ache in which all I want to do is smash my teeth with a hammer.

Just before I got sick, I went to warped tour with one of my bestest friends who means so much to me. Dallas and I had so much fun. We saw so many awesome bands and it was wicked rad. Hung out the Wedman who gives pretty great hi fives and massiff hugs. I hadn't seen him in forever. At least since my birthday I think. I left my camera in Sam (dallas' car) and so I haven't had time to go get it since. But when I do I'll post pics up. But I have to commend Dallas cuz he put up with my complaining about my finger and let me have a sit break and let me have mini naps through the day. I love you so much thankyou for making it such a memorable day. I cherish all the shows we go to. They mean so much to me.

Everyone's been so good to me since I've been sick. From Dmaster and Bosman bringing me juice to Ernbot having a masked dinner with me. I totally appreciate all the support.

I'm kinda down lately, I miss my friends who passed away, and I know it's good for him but The GSO is going to work out of town and its gonna be weird without him to go for coffee with randomly. I feel like I'm trapped in my house. I hope I feel better for the weekend at least, and I hope I can go back to work on Wed. Work is so important to me.

And special thanks to Lance for playing an insane amount of WoW and helping me find my way since I'm apparently the new guild goldfish. Ya I'm a nerd.

wow it's been a long time since i've posted

My run of nights is done tonight. And I have no cord for my laptop that works so there will be a brief blog hiadus unless I can find a cord sooner then later.

http://www.earthsky.org/article/earthskys-meteor-shower-guide

Things I find when I'm bored.....

so i was looking up sea monsters for tattoo ideas and came across this actual real live sea "serpant" fish thinger. It's an oarfish and by our calculations it can get up to 685lbs. and 15-50ft long. Holy moly! to check out more about them click here ~bigfish~

I am strong

"Lie down;lick the sorrow from your skin.

Scratch the terror and begin

to believe you're strong.



All you ever want to do is drink and watch TV,

and frankly that thing doesn't really interest me.

I swear I'm going to bite you hard and taste your tinny blood

if you don't stop the self-defeating lies you've been repeating

since the day you brought me home.

I know you're strong."


I had a great conversation today with two of the strongest women in my life, and both really helped me with perspective and encouragement today. I've been struggling with a few things over the last little bit. And I'm thinking it's about time to clean house, literally. I'm gonna take the next few weeks and get rid of a majority of crap and organize the rest. I've been living out of boxes for the past 2 years and it's about time I unpacked and lived in my house, and really enjoy it before I finish it up and possibly sell it.

Also I found the picture of the tattoo i want to get and it's going to be awesome. It's not what i had in mind but it's still really me. I'll post pictures once I find a good artist to do it....any suggestion on who I should go to?

Boots been helping out around the house more and I totally appreciate that. I just don't have any energy in me to do anything lately. Eat, clean, brush my teeth....don't worry I still brush my teeth and shower, it hasn't gotten that bad yet. ;) I've gotten to hang out with the GSO a lot lately and that's helped a lot too. And I'm really looking forward to going to Warped Tour with my super cute guy friend who I fall in love with every time he gets a hair cut. Actually it's been something that's kept me going lately. I just can't wait to get a hug from him and from Bosman. When they hug me I know it's going to be ok. That and when Boot calls me little one. I don't know why but it's a great comfort. I miss Dallas so very much. I miss just going over to his place whenever I need a hug, or just want to watch trashy tv and sit and eat pickles or have a good night sleep, its an oddity to me but I go for a run of sleepless nights but in the corner of his house I can sleep like a baby for days on end. I sleep and sleep and dream bliss filled dreams of beauty and fun and candy. I don't know how he does it? I contemplated the idea that he drugs me but the sleep is so restful and non drowsy that I doubt it.

I miss Edmonton deeply and have considered going back there. I miss the city life and the constant birrage of things to do there. Red Deer is great but I'm tired of it. It's home but I'm awake at the wrong hours in this town. Too much closes at 9pm. I would just miss everyone here terribly. *Sigh* I dunno all I know is what I'm doing isn't really working right now and so I have to find a different way to do it or a whole new game to play. We shall see.

pick axe wanted

I read this on her wall before but then it disappeared. At her memorial they read this and it hits so close to home at times.

Stone by Stone

I have a wall you cannot see
Because it's deep inside of me.
It blocks my heart on every side
And helps emotions there to hid.
You can't reach in;
I can't reach out.
You wonder what it's all about.
The wall I built that you can't see
Results from insecurity.
Each time my tender heart was hurt
The scars within grew worse and worse.
So stone by stone
I built a wall
That's now so thick it will not fall.
Please understand that it's not you;
Continue trying to break through.
I want so much to show myself,
And love from you will really help;
So bit by bit
Chip at my wall,
'Til stone by stone it starts to fall.
I know the process will be slow;
It's never easy to let go
Of hurts and failures long ingrained
Upon one's heart from years of pain.
I'm so afraid
To let you in;
I know I might get hurt again.
I try so hard to break the wall,
But seem to get nowhere at all.
For stone upon each stone I've stacked
And left between them not a crack.
The only way
To make it fall
Is imperfections in the wall.
I did the best I could to build
A perfect wall, but there are still
A few small flaws, which are the key
To breaking through the wall to me.
Please use each flaw
To cause a crack
To knock a stone off of the stack.
For just as stone by stone was laid
With every hurt, with every pain,
So stone by stone the wall will break,
As love replaces every ache.
Please be the one
Who cares enough
To find the flaws, no matter what.

The GoOd LiFe

third row tickets to blink 182, long drives through the country, fast rips on bikes, great conversations with friends over seas, a trip to the dino museum, a brief summer romance and lots of exploring. Kissing on bridges as traffic speeds past at over 120km/hr at 4 in the morning. For the most part this has been an amazing summer. Midnight trips out to Pine Lake, and Dixon Dam, watching thunderstorms in my car, learning how to be a druid. My ex husband getting mad about my stereo so I got a new deck, it's so super awesome. I'm so lucky to have the friends I do, they spoil me rotten. I went over to Ry's after work and he made me breakfast, lent me a ton of awesome books, and played bass while we went through a bunch of music and talked about all the awesome things we want to do, like my trip to Africa, or his wanting to go into philanthropy. Went to the mountains, hung out with the mini one a few times, and learned all about how a gas plant works. And although I've lost a lot this summer......Life is Good.

Life is hard but life is good.

Cuz you care

so obviously i've been going through a bunch of stuffz and i really need to say thank you to a few people.

Bosman, even though you're on vacay you've totally been there for me through text, phone calls and msn. You're my bestest friend and this whole time without you has been tough but you make it easy. I love you for being you and for loving me the way I am. You know how I feel.

Lance, you are truely always beside me and possibly in my head and heart a little more then most. It's eery how much. But if it was to be anyone i'm glad it's you. You get me through a lot of tough times just with your text's and online hugs. As far away as you are you're always close to my heart.

Heather we just met but thanks for all the video calls and chitty chat sessions. It's so great to have another girlfriend.

today sarah staplers txt'd just to say hi and hope i'm doing ok, we don't talk that much anymore but it was good to know no matter how long we go without seeing eachother we're still there for us.

Dmaster, for dropping everything and coming over today when I was sobbing. And helping remind me my stance on this whole situation and helping me set up a plan to keep it in tact. I really appreciate you picking up my peices when they fell today. I love that no matter what's going on in our lives we are there for eachother. I love you lots mr.

The GSO, gosh dude, you've been there for me so much lately through so many things. You've become easily one of my bestest friends over the past year. You're a terrible influence on me and I love it. You can read my mind and talk me through just about anything. You either talk me down or distract me with oddity fun or just plain old make me laugh, or help me stabbity stab stuff in a world of walking. I love that you take my mind of stuff by explaining how gas plants work or how to pressure weld. You're a gooder. And although I know you're far from perfect, you've been so good to me this last while. Thank you.

And Ernbot, you've been there for me for so long. always got great advice and awesome adventures. I appreciate you more then you could imagine. Thanks for always making time for me in my random schedule of life.

And thanks to everyone who's called me, text'd me and messaged me on fb. I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends. There are so many more of you who deserve madd props, but it's 7am and i still haven't slept. I'll prolly add to this later. Love you guys.

heart felt good byes.

You're missed more then you could imagine, but I'm sure on your good days you knew that. You touched so many lives and brought so much joy to all of us. I know you're at peace now. Your soul is strong but now it can stop fighting so hard. Just know you're loved. I'm so lucky to have had you in my life for as long as I did. Thank you for being you.

I keep replaying the last hug I got from you, the last words I said and the look in our eyes as we shared a love so strong and so full of pain. I miss you so much Mandy. I wish there was one more moment I could spend with you. I'm forever grateful that when I told you I loved you so much I could tell in your eyes that you knew I meant every single word of it.
I'll never forget the moment we met and the first night we opened up to eachother. I felt and instant connection to you. Forever being the loyal, trust worthy friend, you always included me in everything and I appreciated you so much. I replay the night before birthmother's day over and over and over, the way you wrote and re wrote and re re wrote your story. I look back and realize that maybe you told us EVERYTHING that time so we would understand this time. I remember when you told me you understood more then I could, what I was going through 2 years ago, and I remember being afraid that you were right. Our stories are too much alike, it scares me.You're a beautiful amazing wonderful person. Your smile and bright eyes masked the dark parts inside and lit up an entire world with sparkle and light. I miss our late night chats and our ah ha moments. How is it that our hearts feel so heavy when something as big as your being is missing? I understand why, I get that, I really really do. I know that when it's to that point there's no seeing an hour ahead much less a week, month or year. It's selfish of us to want you here so that we can have you, but it's human nature, I know there isn't anything that could have changed this out come....but I am selfish and wish I had just one more hug, song, or word or moment with you.You always brought a smile to my face and heart when I heard or saw you. We went through our pink and purple phases at the same time, and I loved looking at your photos and sending eachother little messages of hope and love. The world has lost a bit of luster now you're gone. I love you Mandy and I hope finally you can be free to be the cheerful, fun, burst of energy and hope and joy that you truely are. *big smooshy hugs*

real ick

I'm so sick today. I haven't been sick since I started my job. That's a long time for me. I think it's because I've been so run down and not getting enough sleep over the past month.
My jobs been a bit stressy and I hated calling in sick to work this morning. I hate letting people down.

A summer cap in photos

one morning I woke up to princess hats and
paralyzers for breakfast

big bites with bosman
baby bites with the GSO
did a ton of painting this summer
and lots of croquet

at blink182 with a beautiful girl

at blink182 with my gameboy

we're not in tokyo no more toto


mighty machines? i think not

me and ash

a classic pose of best friends

another tag in a very RD spot
(for my daddy)

me and my inability to read


awe shucks and gee whiz

street lamp rave me and the GSO found one night while driving around being silly
its what we do best.