I wanna ask you to dance right there In the middle of the parking lot

you know what's dumb is that like everyone else I swear my life is a taylor swift song.
it's just silly how much her songs are like me. hmmmm i'm not sure what to think
of that.
It just sorta happens to be that way.....

Never have any regrets, I know there have been times where I think "dammit I should have jus

better then the L word

It's that time of year that everyone seems to hate. Tax time. For the first time EVER I did my own taxes by hand with a pen, pencil, eraser and calculator. I can understand why it's frustrating to do them this way but for some odd reason I really enjoyed it. It was as my gramma used to say "like doing a jigsaw puzzle". She was my personal tax lady and present wrapper among many other great things to me. But this year I sat down at my mom's and worked on them with her. Previously I've had them done by gramma, brent's dad, and once I actually paid H&R block, but I think from now on I'll stick to doing them on my own. Besides it's better then doing laundry....I effin hate laundry.

I found out that I was poorer then the poverty poor in our province I really should have been on social assistance of some sort. So after working out the numbers I should be ok with this new job. That says a lot though when you're working in a senior-ish position in retail and you're still below the poverty line. GROSS. So needless to say I'm getting a ton back from the govt. with their handful of sand that seemed to go deeper then just my pocket. HAHA I get it all back bwahahaha. What am I gonna do with my new riches? Pay bills that seem to never end. Maybe take a trip down to B.C. to see my favorite peeps. I dunno.
New stuff? I was putting some pink in my hair and my niece asked for some too so I got her to call her dad and he gave her the ok so we dyed her hair too. It was really faint, I didn't keep it in for long. But it was fun. I had a great day with her and her brother yesterday. Also I got a new position at my work. I took a pt position on a unit that helps people integrate back into society easily. I'm pretty excited about it. I can still pick up call in shifts but this just gives me some awesome extras like grantee of shifts, benefits, holidays, ect ect. I didn't even apply for the position so I was shocked with they offered it to me. :) must mean I'm doing something right.

Tráiler 'Where the wild things are'

I can't get no sleep

I think shift work is catching up to me because I could not sleep tonight for the life of me, so now here I go to work with zero zilch nadda sleep blah, should be interesting. :P I think I'm gonna go back to taking something to help me sleep on nights like this instead of trusting my body to do the work on it's own.

airwave

Even though we've been divorced for some time now I have to say Brent is still my best friend and is always there for me when I need some advice. He gives me the best delivery so that I don't get defensive and he genuinely cares for my well being. He knows what my strengths and weaknesses are and helps me improve on them without ever using them against me. After our talk today I have a lot to think about with how I'm going to continue living my life so that I'm happy. March is crap and he knows that it's the worst month for me so I'm glad he's been making time to talk things through with me when I've needed someone. He made a good point that I'm going to have to plod through this month every year and maybe I need to take some steps into ensuring that it goes a bit smoother every year. Maybe get rid of some stuff that's dragging me down and replacing it with stuff that's going to be better for myself. He's right, I do put everyone ahead of my self and I need to stop doing that. I asked him to come to my stretch when I go through choices again this year and he agreed. I'm so glad he's so supportive with everything.

So thanks sweetie for always being here for me and being gentle with my heart. I know things were really difficult between us but I'm glad you stuck it through with me and we have the relationship we have today.

All of you guys have been so gentle on me with this month. And I totally appreciate that. It's good to know I have such amazing friends. I'm so lucky.

almost over

I don't know if I mention this or not but I hate March. I love that Ab's came into the world in March and so did Boot. But other then that last year this time I was going through my own personal version of hell. I was in the middle of breaking off my newly formed family and cancelling plans to move to Dubai. I lost the strongest person whom I've always looked up to and considered my hero, my gramma. Then losing a little one didn't really make it any better.Then there's 5 years ago where it was the best and hardest day ever. I have a bit of sadness over the whole day of child birth but not of her being born but remembering the pain I went through that day emotionally because I had the intent of placing the next day. Just the trauma of the birth and being the last to hold her and yadda yadda.

While I might not be going through the same hell as last year nor half as much pain, I'm still hurting through March. Lots of crazy shit went down and I'm not going to air it all out on here. But I'm getting over things and still a bit hurt by others. I'm strong so I know I'll get through this. I get through it all don't I? Heck I've lived more then one life in my 30 years (not like in a multiple personality disorder sort of way) I guess what I'm trying to say is this

I've lived more in my 30 years then most 80 year olds have. I've experienced more, seen more, and embraced more then most people my age. I've danced every chance and made more then one mistake, but never with any regrets. Why? Because I've learned so much about myself, others and whole worlds by playing out the whole scene instead of skipping to the next with no regard of how the first one ended. I give myself, my heart, my passion, my friendship with every fiber in me and never expect a return. For that I'm blessed. My family and friends are the greatest a girl could ask for. I received 9 emails/messages/texts that caused my heart to smile. Just when I was having a down day I would receive these at the right moment and make me believe in humanity again.

I know that you are a light house, you seem to draw people to you, sometimes it is the wrong people, but in time the right one will wash ashore. -DW

I feel a bit better about things and past history of stuff with that little quip from a dear dear friend. Some days I just feel sorry for myself and wish things would turn out the way I want them to, I have my moment and then move on with the hope and idea that things do get better and were meant to happen that way to get to a new level of happiness with my life. Hey it takes a while to level up on Final Fantasy and World of Warcraft I think like wow I'm just stuck on lvl 18 for a while. I'll get to the next level only to have another challenge in the worx to gain experience and level up yet again :)

I know I'm a dork. A dork who's kind hearted and giving and super duper wicked awesome rad. only one way to go and that's up cuz I'm not going down, down is not an option. Thanks for listening to me rant.

*big smooshy hugs* to all those who made this month easier.

since

since I've been playing skate2 it's been getting me all pumped up for skateboarding this summer, I'm gonna buy a new board and get lost on it for hours. I've posted this video before, on my old blog but it warrants another posting. Got to check this guy out in real life and he's farking amazing to say the least.

I find this year as much as my life has changed (for the better) and all the crazy new things I've accomplished, I'm going back to my roots. Skateboarding, video gaming, dying my hair crazy colors, sewing, painting, and making time for my friends and family. It's amazing, I am finally starting to feel more like myself again from being a trapped and tormented soul.

I'm not sure what has brought all this on, maybe a med change, maybe a new outlook on life, maybe my new job, maybe the fact that I can weed out the junk in my life and pull in the stuff that is creating my life to be better, closer to me. I'm sure it's all of the above.

I'm enjoying the simple things that bring me joy, savoring the moments that send the edges of my lips up towards a star or rainbow, accepting people in my life without expectation or judgement. Loving as though I've never been hurt but because I have been hurt I'm not doing it in such a manner as to be blind by Love. This Love of life is allowing me more freedom then I ever could of thought imaginable. I can only thank all my friends for all their love throughout everything and the support they've given me without even realizing it most of the time. Because of you guys and your quick texts, emails, bumper stickers, smiles and hugs I've become the amazing woman I am today. I know that no matter what happens I AM Loved, constantly by you guys and girls. So thank you thank you thank you.

I Need A Miracle

if your gonna save the day
and your hearing what i say
i feel your touch , your kiss
is not enough
and if you believe in me
dont think my loves for free
i wont take nothing less
than a deeper love

(chorus)
let me tell you , you
you know
i need a miracle
i need a miracle
its more than physical
what i need to feel from you

tell me that you understand
and you take me as i am
youll always be the one to give me everything
just as i thought no-one cares
your the answer to my prayers
you lift my spirits high
come on and rescue me

let me tell you , you
you know
, i need a miracle
I need a miracle
its more than physical
what i need to feel from you

let me tell you , you
you know
i need a miracle
I need a miracle
its more than physical
what i need to get me through

heyyyyyy ,
i need a miracle , i need a miracle
ohhhhhh ohhhhhhh,
i need a miracle , i need a miracle

let me tell you , you
you know
i need a miracle
I need a miracle
its more than physical
what i need to get me through

let me tell you , you
you know
i need a miracle
i need a miracle
its more than physical
what i need to feel from you

the triangle goes "ding"

So this weekend was a bit hairy. Did some home renos with the help of Boot and the GSO, made it through a crazy birthday extravaganza and shared a cheeseburger with a cute girl. All in all it was a gong show but that's the way I like it.

I'm not your average girl

I can honestly say I am not an angry person.

I don't think I could say that before, but today I know I can.

and i'm proud of that.

I follow my heart to where it leads, and while this causes me some trouble I've never had a single regret. I don't always deserve the pain I'm in but I know that there is something to be taken from each thwap that is tattered on my heart/ soul/ lil blurb of energy.

I bare crosses that are not mine to carry and cry tears for those who have none left to shed. I smile for those who's mouths are so twisted in sorrow and giggle for those who's laughter has fallen.
why?
I have no bloody idea, I guess because I like to multi task? I do suffer from red ball syndrome after all....

I honestly think that I'm put here on earth to enter into peoples lives for only a short stint and bring something good into it then disappear into hiding. It seems to be the trend for those close to me. I don't feel I was meant to be with one person for eternity nor one group of friends for that matter. I know I was meant to come in help make a change and then once my job is done, like marry poppins i'm off as the wind changes. Seems to be the case.

I don't mind that. I get to keep moving forward and learn so much from so many. I'm not one to sit still and watch the scenery around me (although I love to people watch from time to time), I'm out there making the scene and living the life.

I have no regrets.

2 hearts as one

my two favoritest things EVER, Cookie Monster and Cupcakes!!!! I love this so much.

blocks that you click together and build with.

I was listening to bjork tonight and it made me miss our Uno games on rainy days with the carebear uno deck you got me, listening to Bjork, Sneaker Pimps and Everything but the girl. Heck I miss bento boxes and Veitnamese and kung fu movie marathons in your parents basement and throwing packing peanuts at eachother. Maybe it's the month but yeah you've crossed my mind and I don't know if you read my blog or not but I had to blog it anywhoo.

things

a diamond octoring? kinda cool sorta gross not really something you could wear to work unless you worked at an aquarium or sea world....

she's craftay

I don't know what's gotten into me but I've been going crazy with ideas and doodles, paintings, sewing, and basically creating. I love it. I haven't been like this in years and it's great!

no regrets

sometimes I just need to remind myself...

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead...

.... who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'"

"sometimes it's best to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve"

"i'm the type of girl that can be so hurt but can still look at you & smile.
the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if
i can't brighten my own"

"do what makes you happy
be with who makes you smile
laugh as much as you breathe
love as long as you live"


just some quotes from my friends who love me through different things :)
thanks for the reminders throughout the years gang.

5

Happy Birthday little one. I'm so proud of you and you are loved by so many. I wrote you a post but it's just for you and me. So one day I'll show it to you. I hope your year is full of magic and fun

Love your KarEEEEEEEna <3

5

I'm not sure why my heart aches so much over this today. Usually this day is full of happiness and joy and it is to an extent. I guess this year I was forced to deal with feelings that I had been keeping down for a while, and memories that I haven't really wanted to revisit. This year is full of friends having babies, I guess it makes me re evaluate everything I chose for us.

And I wouldn't change a thing.

It started about a day or so beofre this one 5 years ago, I went into labor. I remember when I got to the hospital and they put me in the tub I was determined not to get out and that I was going to have you there. The got me out (with the help of my coach, my bf and my family and two nurses) I tried sitting in a rocker, the bed everything. Nothing got you moving. I remember your birth grandparents asking grampa dan if that was me screaming down the hall. He listened for a moment and said yup that's my girl.

I remember your birthdad being so scared for us, and how I was scared too. I remember being so sad when i found out I was the last one to hold you, but as soon as you were in my arms I burst into tears of joy. They gave me some time just the two of us and you settled in my arms like the perfect blessing you are. I remember how happy everyone was to hold you and snuggle you and feed you.

You are the greatest thing to come into my life little one. I love you so much. I'm so proud of you and so blessed to have such a role in your life. You are loved and cherished by many and I can't wait to give you birthday hugs and snuggles.

Happy Birthday Abs. I love you through and through, yesterday, today and tomorrow too. <3

Remember the Lorax

so today is Remember the Lorax Day, in honor Google put the suessians up for the title google and you can read more about the day here

HOckEy

so much to post about so little sleep. Went on a bit of no sleep tear the last few days. No worries gang it was self inflicted and well desereved. I finally got to pick up some shifts at work, then went to the city of champions up north.

last weekend bosman and I went and used my xmas gift (tix) and bday gift (jersey) from him and rocked it out in style at the oilers vs flames game! We dined at OliveGarden (one of my faves drinking martini's yum) and caused a ruckus to the wee hours of no sleep in a somewhat hot hotel room. (not hawt but temp hot) YES we lost but it was a super close game. The next day i fell asleep at west ed on a bench waiting for rainbow photo ops. I love going to live games they're so much fun gave me goose bumps, thanks for the great gift of helping me turn 30 in the most memorable way possible shane I love ya hun so much.

it was during said game that I not only bonded with one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world but I also bonded with man I find hard to bond with at times. my dad. Don't get me wrong we spend time together and talk, I talk to my dad about a lot more that's going on in my life then I have since I was 16. I love him to death and he's the greatest dad ever I truely believe that but sometimes it's just hard to find something other then renovating my house and our love of macs to bond over. (the first being a rather tense situation after the second day of working on the house) ANYWHO....3 mins before the puck drops a shoot him a text message since he's a die hard flames fan, he had the kids this weekend so that made it even more fun,W and Abs are die hard oilers fan and the twins are flames, so you can see the rivalry brewing. We texted back and forth every goal through the whole game and eventually puting a bet down that the loser wears a the winners team jersey to the next game! (a little back ground info, dad and I were hardcore hockey fans, we'd go to college kings, rebels, NHL games. He and my uncle ray took me to my first oilers game but stopped going to games when he moved from Red Deer when I was 16) so this is a big deal to me. Anyways, so I lost and have to wear a flames jersey. I'll take it like a champ. Later I found out that my dad has NEVER that's right NEVER texted before and it was his first time. I'm so proud that I was the first textee. I still remember mine.....Dan G. Opitmus Prime. But being that was sold cell phones and pda gadgets it makes a girl proud when her dad finally starts texting. So ya had a geat time. bonding with two of my favorite guys in my life. Definetly the two that have stuck through with me on a long term scale.