dance your cares away save your worries for another day let the music play...

For the last few months I have dumped all my plans for a boy and it turned out that's exactly what he was.

A boy.

I guess I need to start looking for men who have their shit together to some degree instead of these lost souls who aren't interested in doing what it takes to have what you want. I don't blame them or think ill of them. I definetly don't have mine completely together but I do own my own house, car and have a plan for where I want to go and what I want to do. I am a major part in my daughters life and happy with that relationship (couldn't be better) and I'm ready to somewhat grow up.(stop laughing dallas and shane! we all know it's impossible for Kareena to ACTUALLY grow up) I don't have any debt other then my house and I have a dream to follow. I'm ahead of the game.

I was talking to D tonight and we decided or at least I decided that the next guy I date if I ever date again, must MUST own his own vehicle. D thought this would be a good place to start for standards.
I also need to be with someone who accepts me and is supportive
to my dorkyness and creative style.

Tall order for such a short girl.

I know I have faults and pit falls. My state of mind is completely clouded and mudded at times but I know that I'm a work in progress and will get that sorted out sooner rather then later. Even if what I'm doing now isn't working I know what doesn't work and I'm not going to go down that road again (or at least do my best not to).

I highly doubt I'll be ready to date again for some time. I know (yes guys I actually am aware of this) that the last length of single-hood was awesome, I didn't date anyone for just about 2 1/2 years. I don't have a problem being on my own, I actually thrive while taking care of myself and enjoying the freedom of being able to just do things out of the blue or keep a plan in check if I want without interfering with more then just my life. I'm the kinda gal who at 3am decides she's gonna re-pot a plant in the kitchen and nothing is going to stop me until its done. Or I had a bad day so I need to go with M.r. to Timmy ho ho's in St.Albert for chocolate layer cake.

Like most people I think I forget to take care of my basic needs when I'm with someone. For instance, the last 4 months I haven't kept up with my journaling and I know that really got me down, or skipping out on a class to hang out with the boy, throws my little bodkins out of whackity whack.

I enjoy being with someone too though. I just need to sort out a few things before I jump feet first into the water again.

Some days are tougher then others but I know once my house is done with renovations I'll be alot happier too. Its hard to live in a constant state of chaos and keep your mind at peace and clutter free. Speaking of which I think it's time for me to go to bed. It's way past my bed time and I have to head to Edmonton tomorrow.

It's a certain someones birthday woo hoo! I hope I get to meet up with everyone tomorrow. I miss you guys so much.

rock in to the beat ya
we took it to the floor
dj in the club
spinning rekkids
backand forth

I have a tummy ache this morning. I think it's from eating too much Ice Cream with sprinkles. But I have to say the sprinkles were worth it. How else could you wrap up a great dinner anyways? Movies and ice cream are the only way to go, and while your at it you might as well eat so much your tummy aches cuz that's just the bestest part. :)

M.A.D.D.

Tis the season....

for major fatal accidents as a result of drinking and driving. I'm not going to say your a bad person if you do. I know lots of people who do and most of them aren't bad people. Most of them are caring, loving people who are my friends who wouldn't want to hurt anyone. Most of them haven't some of them have and are going to have to live with that forever. I've lost a great deal of people who are close to me, boyfriends, friends, relatives, who were killed in drinking related accidents where if someone chose to take a cab or designate a driver who could stay sober for the night and drive everyone home, things would have turned out differently.

It's never a good time or a better time for losing a loved one, but the worst time is Christmas especially when you have that persons gift all wrapped up to give to them but you can't because instead your wrapping them up in their best suit and tie and lowering them into the ground. So in the spirit of giving I give you this poem that has always stuck in my head when ever I'm at a service for a friend. By the time I turned 20 I had lost 14 friends to drunk drivers. So here's a poem in memory of them and be safe everyone if you need a ride and we live close to eachother call me. I'll come pick you up.

I went to a party Mom,
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
so I had a cherry coke instead.

I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
that I didn't drink and drive,
though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right.
The party finally ended,
and the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece.
I never knew what was coming, Mom,
something I expected least.

Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
the kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
this girl is going to die.

I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high.
Because he chose to drink and drive,
now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven,
put 'Daddy's Girl' on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter,
Mom I'm getting really scared
These are my final moments,
and I'm so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, 'I love you, Mom!'
So I love you and goodbye.

drive by

today someone drove past my house blaring old violin country music from the good'ole days.

it made me smile.

I'll be home for Christmas

I was really looking forward to going to a punk-rawk sho with my punk-rawk sho going friend from Sherwood Park but the band canceled. :( I guess that's karma for me canceling on D for a previous show of theirs a few years ago. I'm not sure if I'm going to get up to see a super awesome mamma now. But on the brite side my car has shiny new tires so that if I make the trek up there I will be doing so safe and sound. I even got a new cd to play on the way there so it's becoming more and more tempting.

for me since June upstairs and start living in my own house. I got a new wreath for xmas on my door and garland in funky beads and mirrors and sprakley things and in some odd way it really makes my empty smelling of paint house like a home. I can't wait to have the tv and couch set up for movies!!! My biggest escape or retreat is curled up on myAs for a house update, I have all the base boards painted and the bedroom, done along with the hallway and hall closet. I'm going to move up my furniture that's been oh so patiently waiting over sized couch with a blanket and pillow and soft balls of yarn in delicious colors of reds blues and greens knitting or crocheting little gifts for friends and family and new arrivals of theirs. Ah home sweet home. After next weekend putting the flooring in the kitchen and entrance I'll be all set for the most part. WOOHOO here comes the home stretch.

it starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose

Tonight on my way to my parents house just out side of town I got a flat tire. And being the awesome girl who's prepared for any major calamity (my parents should have named me Jane and not Kareena, although Kalamity Kareena could work) I didn't have a spare tire. So after walking about an hour this super awesome couple picked me up on the side of the road.

They gave me a ride right to my parents house, offered to change my tire for me and offered me a ride back into the Deer on their way back. Super nice kids. Made me believe that the youth of today is better then most people believe. I didn't have a cell, or mitts, but I had the kind hearts of two strangers who were under 25. Thanks you two made my night.

Hopefully my car can be fixed up for tomorrow to pick up the cute boy at the bus depot. I'm just going to get all 4 tires replaced. I also have to make time this week to go visit a super awesome mamma located just near Edmonton. I miss you A. and M. so much.

today I blew a tire on my car, I don't have a cell phone anymore,

ever wonder what's heavier then heaven and lighter then hell?

I think I'm coming down with a cold boooo.

tonight i'm making a list of presents for this holiday season
I think I'm gonna make em all again this year.
except for my brothers because I noticed last
year they didn't really like them
so this year I'll get them

gift certificates.

what goes down must project upwards

so i have half of my flooring in and half of the painting done. lots left to do but still moving along with it. i've been feeling a bit off for the last month and i'm not sure why. i'm getting a bit nauseated from this roller coast ride of emotions that sweep me up and down, and it's not even Christmas yet. tsk tsk tsk. anyways i just wanted to re thank everyone again for helping me out. i couldn't be here without you guys. (especially thanks to those who listen to me vent and lay down flooring and smile and nod at the crazy lady) and Allison I have my fingers crossed for you guys love you so much.

mauling over stray jackles

I'm wiped after this long week and long weekend. I accomplished so much and am so greatful to all of my wonderful friends and family for helping me get through all of this.

Patrick, you've been there for me through this whole week even when it was tough. Thankyou. You helped me with renos without any questions, you comforted and coddled me when I needed someone to cry to and you stuck it out with painting, dramatic phone calls from friends and were extra patient with my parents. That means so much to me. You're a really great guy and I don't know what I would do without you through this. You're going through so much on your end yet you still took this extra time to spend on me. I appreciate you so much. Thanks for loving me for me. Love you heaps baby.

Regan Shane Lance Trish Jarrod Tara and Jen, thanks for being there when I need ya and for always giving withouth ever asking for anything in return. It's hard to find good people but you guys deffinetly are good peoples.

And my family. You guys always pick me up when I'm down and encourage me and praise me when I'm up. I know it hasn't always been picture perfect but I really do appreciate all the help I've had from you over the last 7 years. I love you guys very much.

Just wanted to say thankyou to some very special people who've really come through for me this weekend.

First I want to say a super huge thankyou to Patrick. You've really been there for me this week. It's been really crazy and really

strands of snads

Been a little bit sorry folks. I'm doing great. Went to a Hyme or Him or whatever they're called concert. It was a wide awaking moment for me of how old I am. I was the oldest one in the crowd for starters. Second I noticed how fuxd up the lead singer was (I'm almost certain it was heroin) as he sat there smoking a cigarette that wasn't lit for quite some time. The other thing that made me realize I was old and pretty much a huge lameass was I didn't want to get up close to the stage because I didn't want to have gross sweaty pre teens and 20 something year olds. The only song I knew the lyrics to was a cover of a Chris Issac song "wicked games". It was sad for me but Ashley had an awesome time. They were pretty good good.

My house is coming along nicely. I'm so sick of painting at this point though. Latex paint is awesome but all this oil paint has me chucking buckets. And my heating bill is going to be gangbusters redick-u-loso from having to air out the house of fumes. Oh well it's looking awesome. I'm still not sure about what color the walls are actually looking like as it changes day to day, hour to hour. First I thought it was called Carolina SAND but it turns out it's actually called Carolina Strand. hmmm my bad. I thought it was going to be an off white kind of sandish color but sometimes it looks purple or green or blue or gray or rarely sand. I dunno maybe it's techno color. mmm that was an awesome rave....live in techno color. YAY

anywhoo hope you guys are having a super duper stat holiday and I hope you took a brief moment of silence for the men and women who protect and have protected our country and makes it the amazing place to live that it is.

blup libble lop

so I went to my favorite website to purchase a new wallet because I'm desprately trying to get rid of my current one. It's funny everyone compliments me on it but I think it's bum ugly and can't wait to get my cute new one. I went to check my items out paid got it all sorted. Then realized I didn't pick which style of wallet I wanted. So I plugged in my ref# and nothing. So I'm not sure if I even ordered a wallet or not but it is through UPS so I should be able to find out soon.

I'm just on my way out the door to see HIM with Ashley. (for all you old people like myself it's a band. Him is the name of the band which is really them?) So kurfluffery. See you laters skaters I'll let you know how it turns out. Oh and I'm almost done knitting one of my christmas presents to people. One done 104983493 to go.... just kidding.

tricks and treats. (mostly treats)

tricks and treats. (mostly treats)

So I have been reading this book lately that's got me really optomistic about being able to go off my medication and try something new. I really am excited about the prospect of being off all those drugs and still being able to live a normal healthy

when I grow up I want to be a rainbow

I think all the rain and sunshine that are us, I'll be able to
come out a rainbow after all, nothing beats the shiny warm
feeling of forhead kisses. <3

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
and someone believed it,
and look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me. All of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic....

Have you been half asleep
and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.
La, la la, La, la la la, La Laa, la la, La, La la laaaaaaa

Nothing is ever good enough it seems. I go out of my way to express how crappy I felt about myself to him and he doesn't even listen to that all he want

ate some super awesome yummy stroganoff today thanks to my wicked awesome cousin Ashley. She's good to me. We're going to see Him. on Wed. Should be good times. The last time we went to a concert we went to the Backstreet Boys. *cough cough* yeah it was a while back...anyways, I get to go for dinner at they're house tomorrow for chicken curry. MMMMMmmmMMMmmmm. What else. I watch this super awesome documentary on this insane couple who love each other in the most demented but real way. The film was called Crazy Love. It was a big story in the 50's and 70's. Horrific but touching and somewhat understanding yet unbelievable. Anyways I'm off to watch some movies and make a lil something something for a super cute guy that I'm madly in Love with.

nadda ladda much

it's 5am and I'm constantly waking up and not being able to sleep. My whole house is covered in plastic like a bad version of E.T. when the house is turned into a lab. That was so scary for me as a kid. It reeeeeeks of paint. Last night I was so violently ill from a combination of heat/dehydration/fumes/being suffocated with plastic all over/too many endorphins being released in my bwains! A super cute boy came over and saved me from the terrible fate of the ceiling fan. Gosh I thought that thing was never going to get out of the ceiling. I am forever in debted to him for it. I tried to convince a few friends to help me with that but the only thing that ever came out of anyone for that was the grand idea of my dads: make a plank using the ledge and a ladder, put a chair on that, have my little sister who's very much not little in hight stand on the chair while my mom or I hold a pole for her to use as balance and she either remove the fan or drape it in plastic????? all the while little ping pang runs with a spinning plate on the pole singing a circus song....seriously wtf....and not weasel taffy fluff either. Oh well he meant well. I just don't think it was thought through completely.

I talked to M tonight on msn and it really got me pissed off. I try not to let him know things bug me but tonight I couldn't help lay into him about stuff. I think the thing that bothered me the most is the lies he told his friends and family about me. Like that we weren't together when he was living with me. Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I had placed my daughter for adoption while the other side of me thinks it's because he wasn't honest about why he moved to Calgary to be with me. Oh well what's done is done. I need to listen to Patrick and Brent and forget about it and move on. I just get so emotional about that stuff.

I haven't talked to Shane in a while. I miss ya dude. We should go to a movie or something since you keep mentioning the lack of movie-age in your diet. Any suggestions folks?

I still have to put up picks from Halloween. I'll get to it once I can stop getting high as I walk up stairs, where I then don't have a clue as to what I was going up there for. Man those paint fumes are killer!