i've been trying for the past two weeks to post up pics from pure and it's just not working out for me. a lot of stuff hasn't been working out for me. and as harsh as reality is sometimes maybe it's a wake up call to start doing what works again. i start back into counseling tomorrow. i have to start running again and keeping up with my vitamins.
i know i hurt the gso a lot. and it wasn't his fault. i had all this sadness stuck in me and even though he was perfect in every way, i still let it come through and wasn't taking care of myself. he's been so good to me, we've become so much closer in the past few months. i couldn't ask more from him. i just hope no matter where our paths lead us that he's happy. that's all i've ever wished for him and if we could be happy together that would be even more awesome. all day all i could think of is all the great things we've done together, all the trips, all the goofing around, all the secrets we shared and all the cooking we've done. he's my bestest friend and the greatest boyfriend, and as much as i hate losing video games to him i still think he's the best video game partner in the world. he's so talented and smart, he has the biggest heart and i love him so much. i don't want him to move far away. although i know we have to have time apart, it hurts but i know it has to be. i just hope he knows how much i care for him and how all i wish is for him to be happy.
i know i need to focus on getting better and figure out why i'm so hard on myself. i pray for forgiveness and i pray for insight, and i pray that one day this will all be behind me and that one day we can be happy together again. no matter what happens i'll always love him and always leave that door open cuz it's just so amazing. i'm just sorry for all my mistakes and wish i could take them back. i'm terrified where things are going and i don't want them to continue that way. i'm hurting so much and i'm tired of it, i hate that just when people start opening up or getting close i feel so much hurt inside. i'm scared. i don't want things to keep going in this direction. hopefully going to counseling will give me some tools so this never happens again. as hard as it is to say i do have some hope, much more than i have in the past 3 days. i hope things will work out, i hope things can work out between me and the gso and i hope things will work out in my soul so i can allow happiness to be part of me again. so here i go on the road to getting better....
