Happy LoLoween

Happy Halloween gang. It's been kidna blah this year. I've worked on my cthulu costume

Owl City- Rainbow Veins

rainbow rainnnnnnnnbow something i needed this morning.

some photos from the past month

i find it odd how my eye color
changes on it's own free will

green

blue

the other bed my dad built

my head is still fogged in with bits of insanity. i can't wait for the antibotics to be done with the high does.

for the guy who smiles now only in my heart.

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x4]

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
Cos they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes [x8]

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you

I heard this remix and thought of you instantly. I miss you so much, I'm going through it again and I know you're there I can feel you. As my heart starts to race and I start to panic I can feel your hand on my heart slowing it down and guiding me through slowing my thoughts down enough to make sense of them, just like you always used to. I hope that you knew/know how much you mean to me. How much I appreciate you and how grateful i am for the time we spent together. I know there is nothing I could have done to change the out come of all this and I don't know if I can say I would have tried. I just hope you realize how much you truly are missed. Love you lots.

The world's deepest bin - Thefuntheory.com - Rolighetsteorin.se

this is the greatest set of ideas in years, honestly i don't know why people question my love for VW...they have always been innovators on all fronts, and you can fit all your ikea junk in one! for more information check out thefuntheory.com

Piano stairs - TheFunTheory.com - Rolighetsteorin.se

Bottle Bank Arcade - TheFunTheory.com - Rolighetsteorin.se

4months and counting

i miss you so much mandy, i just can't explain why it's been hurting so much these days. i think i need to go back to grief counseling or something. i keep thinking how close of a connection we had, how proud both of us were of our children and of our adoption stories. i think about how easily we could be in the others shoes. i love you sweetie and i miss you so much.

i was thinking all the sadness could be coming out because i'm back on antibiotics and they make me teary. i get less absorption of my vitamins and that throws me every time. not to mention makes me incredibly tired. oh well hopefully my hair cut tomorrow will make it better. (I also miss :AN shhhh it's a secret)

went to visit the mini one and almost started crying while we were watching youtube vids and i was tearing up as i pulled out of the drive way today. we had an awesome visit.

she's the greatest kid ever. i know everyone says that about their kids, but honestly the way she understands everything blows my mind away every time. she just totally 'gets' the adoption and what she doesn't understand she asks questions until its settled in her mind. she just 'gets' big things in life while still continuing to be awed by the wonders she's discovering as she grows up. like i texted to the GSO and Brenty and bosman, it's hard to leave her always but sometimes its harder then others, and today was one of those days. she gave me a plastic glo bracelet so i wouldn't be scared of the dark, with instructions if the power goes out i have to phone her so i won't be scared cuz she'll remind me to use the bracelet and then it won't be totally dark. and i had to have it on the drive home so i wouldn't be scared driving in the dark. i love the one we call mini.

megamaman

so on my wonderful night shift one of my co workers has been helping me with my goal of knitting a megaman toque. and i'm livin' the dream i tell ya, livin the dream...
she even taught me how to fix my mistakes. for the first time in a long time i really am enjoying knitting. i wish my grama could see me know she'd be so proud.

my three fave things

zombies, Ben Weasel and cartoons!

the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle.

and



i still can't get enough of these cartoons.

she's craftay

ooooh i can't wait to give some of you your christmas presents this year, they're all gonna be weird and fantastic and even if you don't appreciate them i don't even care cuz i've had so much fun making and crafting them. i've learned over the years that not everyone appreciates hand made gifts, and this saddens me in parts of my heart but i don't hold it against you. i used to be annoyed by them too at times but now i cherish anything made for me. i think it's something you grow out of if you were ever a spoiled kid. (which a long time ago i was) anyways all the gifts are gonna be super sw00t! just you wait.

warning blogging while under the influence and lack of sleep

i've been having interesting conversations this past month. so many, and so interesting that i'm getting lost on who they were with. i know i've had at least 2 with this topic so i'm gonna run with it....


so i know for sure i was talking to Dmaster tonight about this and I think :AN was the other and i know there was someone else but i just can't put my finger on it....holla if you are that person~

anywho,

lists....we all know that i'm a list freakazoid and that's cool. but what's odd is how us girls (i'm using this as a blanket and i'm sorry if this offends you....actually really i dont care tonight...) have lists on what they are looking for in a guy. here is an example that came up as a #1 hit on google

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What Spamwise Looks For In Elves, Dwarves and Men

1. He must be intelligent and articulate.
2. He must have an appreciation for good food [although he does not have to be a foodie].
3. He must have respect for geeks. They rule the world and they’ve triumphed over those silly high school jocks.
4. He must be emotionally mature and in touch with his feelings. Romance is not a dirty word.
5. He must be aware of the meaning behind a light blue hanky and a dark blue hanky.
6. He must have a sense of humor. Smile a little, laugh a lot.
7. He must never mix the soy sauce with the wasabi. California rolls are an abomination best left hidden.
8. He must not be a Republican. Or a libertarian.
9. He must understand the difference between role-playing games/RPGs and roleplaying situations. One of these things has nothing to do with the other.
10. He must know how to kiss, and not like a pez dispenser.
11. He must be compassionate.
12. He must know what he wants out of life. It’s fine to be aimless when you’re a twenty year old Young Thing, not so much when you’re in my age range.
13. He must not be a one note top. It’s all about the motion of the ocean.
14. He must not be a pushy bottom. Good sex is like Torville and Dean’s Bolero.
15. He must be gainfully employed.
16. He must not be a butter nazi. Fat equals flavor.
17. He must know the difference between Barthes and Sartre and be prepared to defend one over the other.
18. He must like old movies.
19. He must know who Jack Kirby and Frank Miller are.
20. He must have some appreciation for Barry Manilow.
21. He must not mix up Olivia Newton-John with Jane Fonda.
22. Opera is not a foreign language.
23. A penis is not a weenie. Don’t give your dick a pet name unless it’s extraordinarily special, if you know what I mean.
24. “Toned” does not exist in his lexicon. He doesn’t have to be a meathead but he should recognize that one goes to the gym to lift, not to “tone up”.
25. He must not take over the bed when we’re sleeping.
26. He must like to take showers, but not obsessively.
27. He must recognize that musical genius did not begin with Madonna.
28. He should tell me to shut up when I get hysterical.
29. He must be courteous and polite. Always let a woman exit an elevator first, always say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and NEVER talk about your ex[es] on the first date, among other things.
30. He must not express incredulity at my lack of knowledge of pop culture.
31. Books are not meant to be wall decorations.
32. He shouldn’t be as serious as I am.
33. John Belushi and Jay Leno ARE NOT the same person.
34. He must read at least one newspaper. Sorry, but the N.Y. Post does not qualify. Ditto for the Daily News.
35. He must not watch The Food Network. Or if he does, he must recognize that Bobby Flay can’t cook jackshit.
36. He must not be half my height.
37. He must have a reasonably well-kept appearance.
38. He must be self-confident. “Dominant” and “masculine” are not words in his vocabulary. Those qualities are self-evident in his nature without him having to say so.
39. He must like to wear sneakers.
40. He must be a fan of public transportation.
41. He must not equate New York City with Sodom-on-the-Hudson.
42. He must be able to be flamboyant. Get in touch with your inner Ethel.
43. He must like holding hands in public.
44. Being gay is a part of him but he doesn’t wear it on his sleeve.
45. He must be a good listener, in addition to being able to communicate effectively.
46. He must be a good person. Put it another way: you don’t have to be spiritual to be religious, but you can’t have religion without spirituality.
47. He must be able to go from Water Music to wild child in under five seconds.
48. He must not be provincial.
49. He must not have a cell phone. Or if he does, he should be patient with me because I am cellphone-less.
50. Barbra is a goddess. That is all.

Maybe I’m being too exclusive with these requirements. Oh well, there’s always Craigslist.

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I had a list but it fell apart after a few discussions, and then i went list-less for quite some time, until tonight maybe?

My List of Must haves:

no addicts

communication skillz

Drivers License

No DUI's

toleration of kidletts

a cellphone

some idea of what a job looks like

an up for anything attitude

understanding of my whacked out schedule of shift work and sleeping pattern.

laid back but enjoys my randomness (this is pretty big, all my relationships that lasted more then 4 months have been with guys who are calmer and more laid back then I am because we balance each other out)

Nice to haves:

a car

love of cars

understanding of geeky things

can handle going to a hockey game

would be nice if they had a bit of a weird sleeping habit but again this is my nice to have

loves movies as much as i do

wow my lists are pretty weak comparatively. maybe Dmaster can refresh my memory on my list selection from the past but i can't think of anything else, maybe it's standards i'm thinking of that need to be higher lmao who knows, but i know there isn't much that would come up in conversation where i'm like "wow this isn't going to work cuz he just said that", you know the convesation/date-ability killer that slashes through slice by slice....

what would yours be?

Hey There Cthulhu

I swoon over this so i yanked it off of :AN's facebook :) I'm sure he won't mind ;)

small explanations to something so big

I rarely bring out my personal stuff with abs but i'm making her another collection of songs for her 4th cd, this one i'm going to actually give her but recently someone close to her has been sick and she asked me why they sleep all the time now and i tried to explain that sometimes when people get sick or don't feel good they need to have more sleeps...*i'm tearing up as I'm typing this* and she said she understood, and she hopes they feel better soon because she loves them so much. how do you explain to such a little soul something so complicated? i hope i do an ok job when the tough questions come out. this video with intro just explains it all to me. so I think i might run it through my laptop and convert it into a track on her cd and put it at the end so maybe she won't understand now but when she gets older she can see that i did my best to explain what's going on.....and maybe she can see how strong she's become because she's so caring.

on a happier note i'm sure lego will be pleased to know that while i was playing some music for her to see what she's into for her little cd, she is a hard hitting one, loves her metal, lovese her punk rock, LOVES HER HARDCORE loves her dnb that's what the good stuff is made of. we did a good job with her i think.....yup we did.