Monday, August 31, 2009

wow it's been a long time since i've posted

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My run of nights is done tonight. And I have no cord for my laptop that works so there will be a brief blog hiadus unless I can find a cord sooner then later.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Things I find when I'm bored.....





so i was looking up sea monsters for tattoo ideas and came across this actual real live sea "serpant" fish thinger. It's an oarfish and by our calculations it can get up to 685lbs. and 15-50ft long. Holy moly! to check out more about them click here ~bigfish~

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I am strong

"Lie down;lick the sorrow from your skin.

Scratch the terror and begin

to believe you're strong.



All you ever want to do is drink and watch TV,

and frankly that thing doesn't really interest me.

I swear I'm going to bite you hard and taste your tinny blood

if you don't stop the self-defeating lies you've been repeating

since the day you brought me home.

I know you're strong."


I had a great conversation today with two of the strongest women in my life, and both really helped me with perspective and encouragement today. I've been struggling with a few things over the last little bit. And I'm thinking it's about time to clean house, literally. I'm gonna take the next few weeks and get rid of a majority of crap and organize the rest. I've been living out of boxes for the past 2 years and it's about time I unpacked and lived in my house, and really enjoy it before I finish it up and possibly sell it.

Also I found the picture of the tattoo i want to get and it's going to be awesome. It's not what i had in mind but it's still really me. I'll post pictures once I find a good artist to do it....any suggestion on who I should go to?

Boots been helping out around the house more and I totally appreciate that. I just don't have any energy in me to do anything lately. Eat, clean, brush my teeth....don't worry I still brush my teeth and shower, it hasn't gotten that bad yet. ;) I've gotten to hang out with the GSO a lot lately and that's helped a lot too. And I'm really looking forward to going to Warped Tour with my super cute guy friend who I fall in love with every time he gets a hair cut. Actually it's been something that's kept me going lately. I just can't wait to get a hug from him and from Bosman. When they hug me I know it's going to be ok. That and when Boot calls me little one. I don't know why but it's a great comfort. I miss Dallas so very much. I miss just going over to his place whenever I need a hug, or just want to watch trashy tv and sit and eat pickles or have a good night sleep, its an oddity to me but I go for a run of sleepless nights but in the corner of his house I can sleep like a baby for days on end. I sleep and sleep and dream bliss filled dreams of beauty and fun and candy. I don't know how he does it? I contemplated the idea that he drugs me but the sleep is so restful and non drowsy that I doubt it.

I miss Edmonton deeply and have considered going back there. I miss the city life and the constant birrage of things to do there. Red Deer is great but I'm tired of it. It's home but I'm awake at the wrong hours in this town. Too much closes at 9pm. I would just miss everyone here terribly. *Sigh* I dunno all I know is what I'm doing isn't really working right now and so I have to find a different way to do it or a whole new game to play. We shall see.

pick axe wanted

I read this on her wall before but then it disappeared. At her memorial they read this and it hits so close to home at times.

Stone by Stone

I have a wall you cannot see
Because it's deep inside of me.
It blocks my heart on every side
And helps emotions there to hid.
You can't reach in;
I can't reach out.
You wonder what it's all about.
The wall I built that you can't see
Results from insecurity.
Each time my tender heart was hurt
The scars within grew worse and worse.
So stone by stone
I built a wall
That's now so thick it will not fall.
Please understand that it's not you;
Continue trying to break through.
I want so much to show myself,
And love from you will really help;
So bit by bit
Chip at my wall,
'Til stone by stone it starts to fall.
I know the process will be slow;
It's never easy to let go
Of hurts and failures long ingrained
Upon one's heart from years of pain.
I'm so afraid
To let you in;
I know I might get hurt again.
I try so hard to break the wall,
But seem to get nowhere at all.
For stone upon each stone I've stacked
And left between them not a crack.
The only way
To make it fall
Is imperfections in the wall.
I did the best I could to build
A perfect wall, but there are still
A few small flaws, which are the key
To breaking through the wall to me.
Please use each flaw
To cause a crack
To knock a stone off of the stack.
For just as stone by stone was laid
With every hurt, with every pain,
So stone by stone the wall will break,
As love replaces every ache.
Please be the one
Who cares enough
To find the flaws, no matter what.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The GoOd LiFe

third row tickets to blink 182, long drives through the country, fast rips on bikes, great conversations with friends over seas, a trip to the dino museum, a brief summer romance and lots of exploring. Kissing on bridges as traffic speeds past at over 120km/hr at 4 in the morning. For the most part this has been an amazing summer. Midnight trips out to Pine Lake, and Dixon Dam, watching thunderstorms in my car, learning how to be a druid. My ex husband getting mad about my stereo so I got a new deck, it's so super awesome. I'm so lucky to have the friends I do, they spoil me rotten. I went over to Ry's after work and he made me breakfast, lent me a ton of awesome books, and played bass while we went through a bunch of music and talked about all the awesome things we want to do, like my trip to Africa, or his wanting to go into philanthropy. Went to the mountains, hung out with the mini one a few times, and learned all about how a gas plant works. And although I've lost a lot this summer......Life is Good.

Life is hard but life is good.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Cuz you care

so obviously i've been going through a bunch of stuffz and i really need to say thank you to a few people.

Bosman, even though you're on vacay you've totally been there for me through text, phone calls and msn. You're my bestest friend and this whole time without you has been tough but you make it easy. I love you for being you and for loving me the way I am. You know how I feel.

Lance, you are truely always beside me and possibly in my head and heart a little more then most. It's eery how much. But if it was to be anyone i'm glad it's you. You get me through a lot of tough times just with your text's and online hugs. As far away as you are you're always close to my heart.

Heather we just met but thanks for all the video calls and chitty chat sessions. It's so great to have another girlfriend.

today sarah staplers txt'd just to say hi and hope i'm doing ok, we don't talk that much anymore but it was good to know no matter how long we go without seeing eachother we're still there for us.

Dmaster, for dropping everything and coming over today when I was sobbing. And helping remind me my stance on this whole situation and helping me set up a plan to keep it in tact. I really appreciate you picking up my peices when they fell today. I love that no matter what's going on in our lives we are there for eachother. I love you lots mr.

The GSO, gosh dude, you've been there for me so much lately through so many things. You've become easily one of my bestest friends over the past year. You're a terrible influence on me and I love it. You can read my mind and talk me through just about anything. You either talk me down or distract me with oddity fun or just plain old make me laugh, or help me stabbity stab stuff in a world of walking. I love that you take my mind of stuff by explaining how gas plants work or how to pressure weld. You're a gooder. And although I know you're far from perfect, you've been so good to me this last while. Thank you.

And Ernbot, you've been there for me for so long. always got great advice and awesome adventures. I appreciate you more then you could imagine. Thanks for always making time for me in my random schedule of life.

And thanks to everyone who's called me, text'd me and messaged me on fb. I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends. There are so many more of you who deserve madd props, but it's 7am and i still haven't slept. I'll prolly add to this later. Love you guys.

heart felt good byes.

You're missed more then you could imagine, but I'm sure on your good days you knew that. You touched so many lives and brought so much joy to all of us. I know you're at peace now. Your soul is strong but now it can stop fighting so hard. Just know you're loved. I'm so lucky to have had you in my life for as long as I did. Thank you for being you.

I keep replaying the last hug I got from you, the last words I said and the look in our eyes as we shared a love so strong and so full of pain. I miss you so much Mandy. I wish there was one more moment I could spend with you. I'm forever grateful that when I told you I loved you so much I could tell in your eyes that you knew I meant every single word of it.
I'll never forget the moment we met and the first night we opened up to eachother. I felt and instant connection to you. Forever being the loyal, trust worthy friend, you always included me in everything and I appreciated you so much. I replay the night before birthmother's day over and over and over, the way you wrote and re wrote and re re wrote your story. I look back and realize that maybe you told us EVERYTHING that time so we would understand this time. I remember when you told me you understood more then I could, what I was going through 2 years ago, and I remember being afraid that you were right. Our stories are too much alike, it scares me.You're a beautiful amazing wonderful person. Your smile and bright eyes masked the dark parts inside and lit up an entire world with sparkle and light. I miss our late night chats and our ah ha moments. How is it that our hearts feel so heavy when something as big as your being is missing? I understand why, I get that, I really really do. I know that when it's to that point there's no seeing an hour ahead much less a week, month or year. It's selfish of us to want you here so that we can have you, but it's human nature, I know there isn't anything that could have changed this out come....but I am selfish and wish I had just one more hug, song, or word or moment with you.You always brought a smile to my face and heart when I heard or saw you. We went through our pink and purple phases at the same time, and I loved looking at your photos and sending eachother little messages of hope and love. The world has lost a bit of luster now you're gone. I love you Mandy and I hope finally you can be free to be the cheerful, fun, burst of energy and hope and joy that you truely are. *big smooshy hugs*

Sunday, August 2, 2009

real ick

I'm so sick today. I haven't been sick since I started my job. That's a long time for me. I think it's because I've been so run down and not getting enough sleep over the past month.
My jobs been a bit stressy and I hated calling in sick to work this morning. I hate letting people down.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

A summer cap in photos

one morning I woke up to princess hats and
paralyzers for breakfast

big bites with bosman
baby bites with the GSO
did a ton of painting this summer
and lots of croquet
at blink182 with a beautiful girl

at blink182 with my gameboy

we're not in tokyo no more toto


mighty machines? i think not

me and ash

a classic pose of best friends

another tag in a very RD spot
(for my daddy)

me and my inability to read


awe shucks and gee whiz


street lamp rave me and the GSO found one night while driving around being silly
its what we do best.

GODZILLA

rulezors