Nobody here knocking at my door
The sound of silence I can’t take anymore
Nobody ringing my telephone now
Oh how I miss such a beautiful sound

[Chorus]
And I don’t even know how I survive
I won’t make it to the show without your light
No I don’t even know if I’m alive
Oh, oh, oh without you now
This is what it feels like

Nothing to hold but the memories and frames
Oh they remind me of the battle I face
without your love, without you I drown
Somebody save me I’m going down

[Chorus]
And I don’t even know how I survive
I won’t make it to the show without your light
No I don’t even know if I’m alive
Oh, oh, oh without you now
This is what it feels like

[Chorus]
And I don’t even know how I survive
I won’t make it to the show without your light
No I don’t even know if I’m alive
Oh, oh, oh without you now
This is what it feels like

makes me think of my old party partner in crime SA'00R when we parted ways. i found an email from him when i was moving and it made me cry to think i pulled myself away from someone who loved me so much at one time. i'll always love him. always. 

sometimes

sometimes i don't think you understand all that i've gone through. i've lost 3 children (4 if you include the mini one which i mourned but never really lost) . i've been raped and beaten and thrown out like trash. i've picked myself up and i've pulled it together. i've hated myself the way others hate me and i love myself more than anything. i'm fun i'm awesome to be around and i'm strong. i've made mistakes and completed goals. i've set myself up for both failure and success. i put more emphasis on making others feel good and happy than myself (note this too is a mistake). i'm an independent and confident woman warming the world with my sincere and contagious smile. others support me. i'm blessed to have a supportive group of friends and family. i need to get over the past and move on forward to the future that i paint in my mind rather than sit in the present that i pretend. thank you dmaster for making me realize a few things tonight. i love you as sincerely as i should love myself.

for those of you wondering i was in the hospital because i fell on my elbow wrong and dislocated it but because i had strep throat the week before it caused me to contract flesh eating disease in my arm. they told me the first surgery was to save my life, the second and third was to save my arm and my fourth one will be to remove the appliance and do one last clean of my arm. They took out a lot of tissue, muscle and moved the ligaments around. the 5th surgery will be to make my arm more functionable. its been a scary road but i'm proud to say i have the best friends and family supporting me along the way. love you guys....

 

 

my last surgery was cancelled and i got my cast off and stitches out!!! things are looking up. 

since january yo

 star wars identities for my bday xmas prezzy from dmaster

 zilla a present from HJ that will be the greatest birthday present anyone has given me

 bad apple by a graffiti artist looooove it

 zilla

 new kicks they're 6oz new balance

and i started playing warcraft again ooooh i'm a panda

busy week of going to tragically hip with HJ then birthday party at Craigory's for me on friday and ufc and home cooked dinner with chocolate wine *thanks tina and greg it was delish* made my saturday night with HJ and his friend S. Got some great compliments on my madd aide skillz by two nurses i hold high regard for this week too. its been super awesome. also HJ asked if i wanted to move in with him. my first response was no, then it was "i'll think about it" then that turned into a yes so in a few months i'm gonna be moving into his house! seems fast but really i don't think it is too bad. we'll see how things go month by month. he's so good to me. oh and my dad got to meet him finally. he really likes him even though he didn't talk to much and mom loves him so things are good good good. i can't wait!

call me cooking Kareena

cooked again tonight for HJ and his kids. it's official i can cook. i made honey curry chicken with basmati rice. i only had one real hiccup and that was not knowing the difference between tbs and tsp.but i just started over and know now there is a major difference. 

 

i'm thinking this summer i'm going to spruce up my house a bit then rent it out and possibly move in with HJ. He offered and i said i'd think about it. it's a big step and i'm not entirely sure i want to do that at least i know that right now isn't the time but i have a lot to do on the house before its rental ready. 

 

as much as i love living in the house that was my gramma's i also hate it for all the memories and negative things that have happend in it since i've aquired it. it's time to move forward with my life and it seems as though things are going to move forward in my relationship with HJ. 

 

for the first time in my life i feel like i have a stable relationship. i know i had one with dars but this is different because i'm only a few blocks away from HJ where as with dars he was miles and miles and miles away. 

 

HJ is right that i do need someone in my life who wants to be there for everything because that's the kind of relationship i want. i love that he can figure me out most of the time and i love that i can still be a mystery to him on other occasions.    

 "i wish you couldn't figure me out but you'd always want to know what i was about" 

Like he said maybe our 4 is 4ever.

 (i always stay with guys for either 4 months or 4 years and we just passed our 4 months and he said he's ready to tackle and break my 4 years. so here's to forever)

so hj is teaching me how to cook and the first thing we mad was quinoa stuffed peppers with mushrooms carrots and garlic and cheese it was sooo frigging yummy here's some pics of it mmmmm. i can't believe how awesome he is at teaching me stuff. he always makes me feel comfortable and now i actually enjoy cooking  which is awesome. something we can now do together

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a day with Dmaster

concept ideas of what jabba would look like

 jabba's eyes

so my xmas gift from dmaster was a trip to edmonton to see the identities exhibit that features star wars costumes, props, sketches and all around awesomeness. i had such a blast! the pics don't do the exhibit justice, you have to go see it. thanks dmaster love you lots!

Some stencil graffiti around town

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top of 2011

Little guy

Meeting HJ

Batman with Dmaster

****mexico****

coming home to roses and an electric blanket 

bowling with dmaster/craigery and hj

backpacking with uncle ian and mit 

sushi sundays/saturdays with sparrow, nicoleisneat and tanna and hj

tea with juanita

bbq's 

meeting my favorite artist and having her sign my prints

darth vader embroidery 

xmas with abs 

new tattoo of zombie marshmallowz from the awesome jendanger

disneyland!

computertron building

Ipadulicios

  oilers game

4x4 with james and the pups 

 

sayders