Hitting the reset button once again....

HJ and I broke up months and ago.I miss him and the kids but I'm actually ok with it. I wasn't at first of course but now that the dust is settling I'm letting go and getting back to normal. I'm craving change at work. I want so badly to move to Edmonton again. There's just so much more for me there. I'd miss my family and be further from the Mini One. But that would never stop me from driving further to see her all of the time still. I find myself doing more with my friends now. I try to get out a few times a week. Like this week I went to Weird Al with BisH and Frisbee Golfing with Sarah Pickle and Dalt yesterday. Then bowling with Daphne and her man tonight.

One of the reasons I want to blog tonight is because I'm worried about someone really close to me. She found out that she has lumps and they aren't the good lady lump kinda lumps. I'm putting on a brave face for her and I know my blog freaks her out and she doesn't read it so I don't mind writing about this. I'm terrified and scared of losing someone who means the world to me in more ways than one. She's been my rock for years. And now I'm faced with the idea that I might lose the one person who keeps me continually grounded with her rockness. I don't think I'm going to tell anyone about this except for all you people who read this which I don't think anyone does any more. But at least then it's out of my head and into some form of reality.

Gotta make the most out of the little life we're given. I have to say that I've found a new strength and am moving forwards. PS. counselling really helps a lot. Don't ever be ashamed to ask for help. And no matter what I'll always be there for any of you.

tough week great ending

its been a crazy week, i end up dehydrated and weak, and tired, so i have to take time off to recover, my lil car gets munched again and it takes us 3 1/2 hours to get home from calgary in a blizzard. BUT i got to hang out and play video games with china tim, and the GSO,(ghostbusters on ps3 sucks hardcore btw) and redeemed my ticket for my birthday present from Bosman.

Yup the hardcore duo do the ladies, Barenaked Ladies! we did the VIP thing and meet and greet, got our swag signed, had a few conversations with the boys and thoroughly enjoyed the concert and opening acts. the show was great, i do have to add that there was a more serious tone to it then most shows and you could see the appreciation they have for their continued fan base and each other as the show went on. we asked them during the meet and great back stage if they have any songs that they are going to retire now that they are sans steve, and if they would sing brian wilson (mine and bosmans song) and they said nothing is ever retired, but they are going to have to continue to "re vamp" some songs such as brian wilson as every time they sing it, they feel like they're doing a cover song of a barenaked ladies track rather than singing their own music. they did a special request song of the album snack time that they weren't planning on because of a little girl who sat two seats down from me. she made them a little sign with eraser as the request. so they pulled it together and sang it even though it's honestly a tough song to do live. I loved how much more Kevin sings. He's got to be my favorite in the band. They're all super talented but he kinda takes the cake. I can't wait to post photos just waiting for bosman to send em to me. so stay tuned.


i have to add it took us about 4 1/2 hours to get home last night from calgary. the roads were terrible. i don't know what it is about my birthday excursions but the rides home are always brutal, even if for different reasons. but i can't complain cuz the last two bday prezzy's were freaking unreal. thanks again bosman *big smooshy hugs*

updaterd

so i got the line at work that i wanted, i also hit my hours for a raise and now i get benefits and that thing called a pension if i make my hours. yay!

i'm hoping now i can have some more free time to hang out with people, and blog. i still think on night shift i should bring in my laptop and type everything out in word then go publish it in the morning when i get home.

also in news i ding'd my world of warcraft toon up to lvl 68 yup i'm pretending i'm going to be a big girl now. it's only taken me forever and a day plus 2. and a lot of help from bosman lancey pants and the gso and kimi and a few others. but i'll make it to 80 eventually! who'da thunk i'd be playing WoW lol.

i don't know why but i'm so bipolar when it comes to christmas. i love the tree, i love the lights(but not the stupid led ones that give me twitchy eyes), but i hate the idea of it, i hate HAVING to buy people gifts by a certain time, and i hate waiting to see what i got and i hate christmas shopping. I don't mind some of the music. But i just hate being forced into it all and i prolly have a bit of bitterness with the whole idea that i don't get to see my mini munchkin open presents. i know that's selfish but it comes up a lot. i see her lots through the year, and honestly if i had the opportunity to see her on christmas morning i might pass it up as it would be too raw and painful. christmas, her birthday, her family day and mothers day are all days that while most of the time i'm ok, other years it hurts. don't get me wrong though, i'm so happy with my life now and with how things turned out and what direction they are going in. i'm so grateful for everything, but that doesn't mean i don't have moments where i slip into the what would it be like pauses. they only last a moment but a moment is enough. maybe i'm a grinch for not LOVING christmas but i promise i'll smile through it and do so sincerely at the parts i enjoy and i won't steal it from you. ;)

and while i may not be counting down till xmas (btw don't worry i will send my xmas cards around valentines day as per usual, sent them on time a few years back and freaked everyone out, so no worries folks) but i am counting down to screeching weasel!!! Dal and i are going and i couldn't be more excited *swoon*

Narwhals

what my dreams are like in my head

Kuroshio Sea - 2nd largest aquarium tank in the world - (song is Please don't go by Barcelona) from Jon Rawlinson on Vimeo. thanks ernbot

Love is super hurty

had a day off the other day and got to spend time with some of the most influential people in my life. One of them is going through a super hurty break up and we were talking about songs that remind us of past experiences and this is his of his ex gf. It made me cry to think he's in this much pain. I think now I know how he felt watching me suffer through some of my pain. It's so hard to watch people you love so much go through heart break, or wrinkles. Seems a lot of my friends are going through things right now. I wish there was more I could do but I guess hugs and reminding them I love them is the best I can do. You deserve a girl who treats you right and doesn't piss you off 1/2 way to Minnesota and who respects you. You're one of the greatest people in my life sweetie I really mean that and YES i do have a list of best friends but you're pretty close to the top of that list. Hope your heart feels better soon.

Ultimate Devotion

One o one point one Fahrenheit
To some it's a fever, to her it's just right
And I can't hold her, and it's bringin' me down
Her blood runs hot but her heart beats cold
she's a devil with an angel's face I've been told
I think I'll push my luck next time you're around

Well I'd walk through fire for you
I'd burn in hell to make it all true
But I never loved anyone else in this world but you
A thousand reasons why I try to prove to you
I'm not the other guy
I don't give a damn what other people think

A flare for the strange and a temper like a whip
A soft hand clutches a riding crop grip
Smell of latex rubber it drives me insane
Beat him once then send him on his way
There's no room in your life for anyone to stay
Engrave your moniker in welts of pain

There's nothing I wouldn't do to prove
To make these words I promised true
I'd rather live my life alone than without you
You know I'd rather die then to fuck this up
Wouldn't get another try
Got one chance there's nothing I wouldn't do

You be my master, I'll be your servant
On my knees I beg to be abused
You can take the skin right off my back
With a riding crop or a leather strap
I'd take it all just to be with you

Well I'd walk through fire for you
I'd burn in hell to make it all true
But I never loved anyone else in this world but you
You know I'd rather die then to fuck this up
Wouldn't get another try
You're my goddess and I worship you.

on a day off it was nice out.

Also I got to hang out with some of the old socalledproduction crew and that was awesome. Michel came home for a visit and we went to a pizza place on Jasper it was amazing to see everyone again.


Got to watch the tactical team take down a guy on my way to visit my friend who just recently became a cop. They had huge guns and it was kinda scary but their detour made it easier to find my friends house so that was cool.

Checked out Brenty's renos of his place in Leduc. It looks really good he did a good job. I'm so happy for him. His mom even put in a nice little garden for him and there is even a birds nest settled in the front of his house, it's so cute.

Stuck in my head

Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you never loved me

I can't get this song out of my head even though it's old-ish but the line a thousand clever lines un read on clever napkins reminds me of all the letters and notes i write that i never send

hoping that things slow down in the bad news department soon. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family sweetie. I know you're strong enough to get through this. Just know you're not alone
ever.

What's love? Rhythem is a dancer with piano lines baby!

So works going good except I work a bit too much. Oh well. It keeps me out of most trouble. I'm starting to make more friends now that I'm becoming a familiar face in certain units which is nice. Met this one guy who's an aide, we were on a night shift together. We ended up having so much in common and looking up different countries we want to visit. He did relief work in Africa with Aides victims which is totally my dream. So we had tons to talk about. It was great. I found I'm actually making friends with lots of girls out there too which is a big change for me. Although the last stint at the big red machine I made quite a few girlfriends there too. I love my job. It's great, even on the bad days I'm still happy. I think the long drive home from Ponoka to Red Deer helps me. Even when I'm tired I just crank up my Happy Hardcore and sing at the top of my lungs.

Speaking of Happy Hardcore, Special Agent '00' Raver played me a set tonight at like 330am, I love that guy. Seriously, everytime I find him online late, I get a hands in the air set that would rock even grey socks the way it rocks my so cute socks. Thanks Graham. I love it. You know that longing feeling in your heart when you're pining or in love or whatever? That's the feeling of deep love I get for hardcore in all it's forms (believe it or not I miss terrorcore, gabber, speedcore and even noisecore) I've never found a love that hasn't let me down until you come to my love affair with Hardcore....*swoon*

Talked to a friend I haven't seen in a very long time tonight, we talked for about an hour. It was good to hear he was happy with everything going on for him again. I'm hoping we can hang out at my party....which is in just over a week...cuz I haven't seen him in foreverz and a day plus 1.

I finally gave in to some things, one is playing World of Warcraft the other is reading the Twilight series. I'm actually enjoying both. I have to say twilight is super teeny bobber love story but it reminds you of the butterflies with first and new love. So it makes me smile. As for WoW. it's a lot like my whole final fantasy phase so yeah, thank GSO for the hook.

i should prolly get some sleepies since I have a video game date with a certain 11 year old and his mom. :)

top of the tops list for 2008

**~**running thru the forest looking for a pirate ship with glowstix & flashlights**~***


assult on the punk scene with Dallas going to a show once a week

accepting the losses of two of my heros, my gramma and sean aka guy smiley


BONANZA KINGS

meeting Tricia and having exciting conversation about Love

the drive to Edmonton after my bbq and breaking my finger in the process

my may long gong that ended up only because poptarts made a fire pit

roomates

princess leia

I <3rd
new careererz

12 cases of Cherry Coke

tom jones and the sc

accepting that certain people come into your life for only a short time to help you transition when it's the hardest

Collin turned 30

new car

Dominican with agent 00'raver

water slides

good food friends and laughs

found the bestest hugger/kisser everz
the young ones *cough cough*
Charlie the unicorn costume

Batman
phone calls from over seas
cupcakes
going to tim's party with the gso on a whim

and juno.

Tada.
Hopefully 2009 is a bit easier yet full of as much love and friendship as this.

new rotation

so at work today we had some new songs on the muzak rotation and guess what the first one was! .... my T&S song that reminds me of Abs(call it off). good thing it doesn't make me bawl the way it used to. Now everytime I hear it I just smile and my heart feels warm.

wrapped in rainbows....

so yesterday one of my best friends sent me this video because it reminded him of me. I love this song. It reminded him of me because everytime this song would come on I would try not to cry because it totally makes me think of Abs. I rarely cry over her now. I think it's because I'm happy with myself these days and I'm super happy with having her in my life still. In honesty I have nothing to cry about it at all anymore. Everything is better then what I had imagined.

I know that it was the right thing and I know it's the best for both of us and I don't doubt that for a moment. But like most birth moms, (but not all) I can totally say without hesitation or sadness that I miss her, That I do wonder now and again what it would be like if she was here and things worked out that way. Then within 3 seconds I'm back to knowing this is the right choice, not only for her *my main concern* but for myself as well. Can't live in shoulda coulda woulda besides I know that this all happend for a reason and that I was meant to have and place her. I never thought I would love our relationship as much as I do and I never thought I would be as content with it as I am. :)

I love you with all my soul mini one. You're the rainbow in my heart that never stops shining.

also I'm starting a book club and we're reading catcher in the rye right now, so far it consists of two of us me and one which I bullied into making him buy the book to read it with me because he said it wasn't that big of a deal. So we call ourselves the

bye 4 now

sounds kinda morbid but always wanted this played at grad or at my funeral. I just think it's a good jist to how I feel about my friends, that they'll always hear me say that it's ok, that friendship should last forever and that it's only bye for now. Never forever. So enjoy the video and lyrics and have a super rad day


ps I got tickets to lagwagon and i'm so freaking excited to see these guys again!

- You're not forgetting about tonight, are you?
I left your name on the door and everything...
- There are not gonna be too many punks?
- John would you stop worrying about the punks?
They're just a bunch of kids with growing pangs, and
they'll probably be doctors and lawyers someday.

Here comes the day I see my friends far away,
When I grow up inside what will happen to me?
The city sights, the business types,
I can see but where are you?
Bye for now.
Didn't mean to let you down,
Didn't mean to drive you away.
Bye for now!
Now that your not around,
So many things I'd like to say!

See here I think I've found the missing link,
The piece that holds us together.
If I had my way I'd here you say that it's OK,
Friendship should last for ever.
Bye for now.
Didn't mean to let you down,
Didn't mean to drive you away.
Bye for now!
Now that you're not around,
So many things I'd like to say!
Didn't mean to let you down.
Didn't mean to let you down.
Didn't mean to let you down.
Didn't mean to let you down.
Didn't mean to let you down.
Never meant to let you down.
Didn't mean to let you down.

in my brain

all i can think about is oldskool kicking and twirling around in a smile with my eyes closed and the vibe from everyone around me filling me full of that rush that no one can take away in a moment of pure happiness. Rave on rave on. How can PLUR be dead when all you have to do is close your eyes and listen to your favorite tracks :)

not just a red ball

I love this song from the LED throwies (youtube it) but I love the words and guitar and now I love it because it's totally the way i think with a million red balls bouncing around just like these rainbow ones. It was too perfect not to share

cuz I can

Seriously I have enjoyed this song from the moment I heard it on the way to my parents house on the radio. Then you watch the video and you realize why weezer are my heros. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Society by Eddie Vedder

Oh it's a mystery to me.
We have a greed, with which we have agreed...
and you think you have to want more than you need...
until you have it all, you won't be free.

Society, you're a crazy breed.
I hope you're not lonely, without me.

When you want more than you have, you think you need...
and when you think more then you want, your thoughts begin to bleed.
I think I need to find a bigger place...
cause when you have more than you think, you need more space.

Society, you're a crazy breed.
I hope you're not lonely, without me.
Society, crazy indeed...
I hope you're not lonely, without me.

There's those thinkin' more or less, less is more,
but if less is more, how you keepin' score?
It means for every point you make, your level drops.
Kinda like you're startin' from the top...
and you can't do that.

Society, you're a crazy breed.
I hope you're not lonely, without me.
Society, crazy indeed...
I hope you're not lonely, without me
Society, have mercy on me.
I hope you're not angry, if I disagree.
Society, crazy indeed.
I hope you're not lonely...
without me.

I have so much that I could write here after these lyrics but I don't really feel like I have to. I find that the more and more "stuff" and "needs" and "wants" we have, we get lost in who we are, and we start to become such a huge part of the picture that we don't realize that society would still be there without us. I just hope that the small part in society that I play it's one that is respected and in some small way significant to the bettering rather then the deteriorating of it.

Destroy She Said Music Video

Destroy, she said
My love again
The end will come quickly

don't try again
To make amends
You'll just end up sinking

If you explode in aftermath
Don't think you've been dreaming

Destroy, she said
My love again
When it's not worth keeping

Like towers falling down
Like a bomb blast in your town
Like a hostage tied in chains
I could not forget your name

Like a helicopter crash
Like a ghetto that's been smashed
Like bodies on a battlefield
I can't live with how you feel

Not along and not apart
You finished what you could not start
In the corners of the day
You catch my eye and then looked away
What a generous remark you made
When you blew it all away

time bomb

Couldn't wait to find out where you came from?
Thought I was too late and your smile empty
Considered my life like a time bomb
And you exploded right in front of me

Everytime I think of you I'm happy
Never really wanted anymore
Or anything or nothing else
Couldn't see the wood for tall trees
My loving brings me down to my knees
I'm celebrating everytime I think of you

You are my rhythm, feel the beat tonight
Don't be shy babe when you know it's right
The clock is ticking hurry home to me
The door is open you don't need a key

Hold me, touch me, find a way
Share my dream and want to stay

what else can i say, it's been in my head all day and I can't get it out. Makes me wanna smile all day long which wasn't too hard with everything that happened today. Talked with my super rad awesome friend from England and it was so good to finally get connected after so long apart. Then went to the new Harold and Kumar movie with Craig. Can't get much better except Nicole is gonna be showing up at 9 or so I think which I can't wait for cuz she's so awesome.

You dont know a thing about me
Is there something you should know?
I can tell you what you want to hear
Let your inhibitions just go

No, you dont know what you will give up
You dont know what you want
It may take you years to find out
You dont know what you need
Its something that may never come to you

Trust is something that comes easy
When youve never been a victim
Lies and promises and words are said
Its youre decision to accept them

No, you dont know what you will give up
You dont know what you want
It may take you years to find out
You dont know what you need
Its something that may never come to you

i love this song it makes me feel so happy and justified for some reason :)

Craig and I are going to go car shopping tomorrow I'm excited to get a new set of wheels soon so I'm not depending on everyone to get me places like to work ugh. Thanks Ninja C