thanks for the 7 hearts dallas

ok so my hormones are a bit freakoid right now and I've been up and down all day. After having a huge talk with my sister/and Lance, I feel a lot better. They've both been where I am today and reminded me to be gentle on myself and not to over think things. To stay positive and everything will work out. Easier said then done but coming from two people who've been in my shoes (I didn't ask how they fit into my tiny shoes but apparently they did at one time) I trust that their advice is right. I know I'm an amazing woman who is independent and confident with who and where she is. I know that I'm stronger then I realize most of the time and that I have been able to face adversity when it's banging down my door. I know lots of people in my life are having a hard time dealing with what's going on and I just want them to know if they are reading this that:

it's ok if you don't say anything or you don't know what to say. I still know you care and you still mean the world to me. I know that not everyone can understand and it's ok. I still am happy you're part of my crazy life. And thank you for being part of it. It's going to get better. ;)

I know my dad had a really hard time talking to me about stuff. It's ok though I know he's doing his best at listening to me even when it doesn't make sense to him. It's not easy but the things that are most worth having are usually the least easy to deal with. Time doesn't heal everything but it sure helps a lot.

7 hearts down

Thanks for the extra 7 <3's Dallas. I needed them. I'm so happy I got to see you last weekend. I needed one of your hugs so badly. My friend said he could totally see how much we care about eachother just by watching us. Craig said the same thing about Bos and I, I love when people say that about me and my friends. Because I truely do love them with all my heart. Each and every one of them. I would do just about anything for any of them. I have a tendency to give all my love to everyone. I found that I fall in love easily and with the best intentions. I trust it to those who should not be trusted because I feel that everyone deserve a chance at love.

My heart is just too big to be conservative with it. I care too much too soon and I don't regret a single ounce of it. Marla reminded me that it's probably hormones all wacked out on themselves that I'll just be a big emotional snotty mess for the next day or so until they get a grip on themselves and I start a new program. It's all gonna work out. I am proud of myself and its yet another notch in the belt of personal strength and over coming the world when it's pinned against me.

I have my friends and family and both are pretty much the same to me. I love them both so dearly. I can't wait to see everyone. I'm going stir crazy in Calgary.

I am in love with craig and I can't help it. I don't think he's feeling the same about me anymore. He doesn't poke me on face book and he doesn't seem to enjoy our conversations. He doesn't seem to want to see me. I don't know what to do if I should give him some time or break up with him. I've tried to talk to him about it and he says he isn't meaning to be distant and that he didn't realize he was.

It all started to change on Thursday after he dropped me off at home from work. Since then he doesn't want to come over or see me or talk to me or anything. I feel ignored and I feel like I have asked him for help and he hasn't acknowledged that at all.

yup

So for those of you who knew about today, it went really well. There were a few hitches but all in all I'm safe and sound. (ok so sound as in not crazy isn't true but we all knew that from the beginging) I'll be back in my own bed in Red Deer tomorrow night.

Talked to everyone today. It was nice to know that so many people care. My mom and I had a huge conversation about her "field trip" to the old part of the Ponoka Hospital. She's going to show me all the pictures and stuff. I'll blog about it with pictures when I get back home and am feeling ambitious. After hearing her stories I couldn't get to sleep cuz they were kinda ceepy. So I called Brent and Dallas and felt a bit better but then I got to thinking more about stuff like why they threw wet blankets on patients as therapy which then lead me to researching stuff on the net which led me to reseach stuff on Waiverly from the movie Death tunnel and now I'm wiped out but kinda scared to turn out the light. I think tonight I'll just sleep with it on cuz my step mom keeps turning out the light outside of my room and closing my door. I'm too embarassed to tell her I'm scared of the dark and need to keep the door open so if somehting happens they can hear me scream. Yeah I'm a big baby. Even miss abbigirls is less scared of the dark then me. She can go through the haunted house at Calaway Park and I can't without her and my dad's arm to grab on to. Oh well that's just me I guess.

first day to a better tomorrow.

updated my links today. added some pictures here too (down below)

Ended up going home early from work yesterday, I was a mess, just really weepy and tired and I haven't slept that much lately, just been really down. So I came home and had a good solid 5hr nap then made some plans with some friends and had lunch with another. Decided to venture my way to the big city.

Last night I saw some friends that I really enjoyed seeing again, It's been forever (over a year) for some and an eternity (over 2 years) for others. It was Collin's 30th so I made the trek up north to Edmonton to go see him on his big first last and only 30th birthday party. We went to the giant Stanly cup and we ate at the olive garden then went and met up with some friends on Whyte to have coffee and exchange numbers and get hugs and catch up on how tired we all are. lol.

Then we went looking for Level 2 which I found by screaming as we turned into a gas station to turn around and go the other way. We totally would have missed it if we had turned and I wasn't paying attention. (yep yep yep I was paying attention). Saw a bunch of friends there and for the first time in way way way too long I broke out the dancing shoes and danced to phat dirty base lines of awesomeness. One of the guys I was with just stood there smiling and was like "wow I haven't seen you smile that big EVER, when you dance you get the biggest smile and you look like your loving every moment" He's right I love to dance to that kinda music, I miss it so much. As I was dancing I got a few props from a few of the breaker boys on my moves which I love. My friends who've never seen me at a rave have never experienced how I am when I get around music like that. I don't need drugs I don't need booze, but you show me a beat and I'll show you my soul, I'm in my groove and in my space. I love it, I look as high as a kid on E but I'm sober as sober can be. Music does that to me, it's better then any drug I've ever tried. :) It carries all my troubles away and strips me down to the beat and my soul, and my feet and the floor. I don't care what people think I don't care what I look like I just let my feet show me the way. I twirl and kick and just soak in every moment of it. As some say I painted the town rainbow last night leaving a trail of sparkles.

Having a decent day today, just waiting for Regan to call, gave myself a pedicure thanks to the little bag of sole saver mini pedicure kit Janice gave me yesterday. She's the greatest. I don't know what I'd do without her. So Today should be awesome. Hopefully I'll get to sneak a hug from a super cute boy today too when he gets back. I miss him.

Anyways here are some snaps:

A memory for Agent'00Raver

Just as the rest of the world is slowly waking up to the gorgeous winter sunrise, we pull our bodies into the cold car, but we aren't cold at all. We just came out of our winter wonderland playground where we experienced a magical night of wonder and happiness.

We dig out the powerades one red one blue that we stashed in the car to chill over night for this particular moment in time. Graham starts the car for our journey home.

He puts in the cd I made him at an earlier time and plays time after time. We smile and wave at passers by and just before we reach the highlevel bridge we all are singing along with cyndi laupers classic remixed of course, we unroll the windows just in time to start across the bridge to hear the swooshing noises only this particular bridge can produce. :) Almost home we roll up the windows and think back to the wonders and magic of the night we just experienced. Thanks for the brilliant times my dear.

So this isn't my favoritest version of this song but since this is a memory of a crime spree by the original party partners in crime and one of my favorite Dj's from one of the first parties I ever went to in 1995 or 1996? (yup I'm gettin old) I figured it was the most suitable for this post. It was a time before kids, wives and husbands, mortgages and careers. Thanks for the great memories my dear.

-Agent'EE

A memory for Agent'00Raver

Just as the rest of the world is slowly waking up to the gorgeous winter sunrise, we pull our bodies into the cold car, but we aren't cold at all. We just came out of our winter wonderland playground where we experienced a magical night of wonder and happiness.

We dig out the powerades one red one blue that we stashed in the car to chill over night for this particular moment in time. Graham starts the car for our journey home.

He puts in the cd I made him at an earlier time and plays time after time. We smile and wave at passers by and just before we reach the highlevel bridge we all are singing along with cyndi laupers classic remixed of course, we unroll the windows just in time to start across the bridge to hear the swooshing noises only this particular bridge can produce. :) Almost home we roll up the windows and think back to the wonders and magic of the night we just experienced. Thanks for the brilliant times my dear.

So this isn't my favoritest version of this song but since this is a memory of a crime spree by the original party partners in crime and one of my favorite Dj's from one of the first parties I ever went to in 1995 or 1996? (yup I'm gettin old) I figured it was the most suitable for this post. It was a time before kids, wives and husbands, mortgages and careers. Thanks for the great memories my dear.

-Agent'EE

had a bad day

I'm having a super crap day today.
Everything is making me cry.
I can't figure out why certain people are being so rude today (work)
while I know why others are (my family) but it's not my fault and they're just needing someone (me) to take it out on.

I miss my friends and
I miss my sister
I miss my gramma a super ton lot today.
I miss my art.
I miss a lot of stuff from the past and hope
I'm not missing what's present.


I know that my hormones are amping it up too.
I can't stop puking today either.
I wish I could just BE.
BE Happy
Be Healthy
Be Me.


It's not anyone's fault.
Things just happen I know.

I think it would be easier if I wasn't so sleep deprived,
hormonal and stressed over tuesday.
my dad doesn't want to pick me up now and that hurts
he won't be there when i get out he's gonna wait for me in another section.
I just wish I had someone there to go through this with.
I'm terrified.
But I need to be brave and get through this.

I wish things would just turn around for the better.
I know they will
and
tomorrow will
be a way WAY way Better day
Just today is a crap day
Just need to cry it out I think.
thanks for listening

link to the future

so I was going to post a bunch of videos up but then I decided instead to let you into my not so little video collection I've accumulated on youtube. so just click on ------> videos are awesome
and off you to go my video haven. There's funny videos and tons of music videos too. Yay for techno nology :D don't worry not all of it is happy hardcore and punk rock. There's lots of other stuff there too.

I'm kinda excited cuz I get to see lots of people I haven't seen in a long time. I'm gonna see Boot tomorrow hopefully and the boy who makes my pillow smell nyce *ok so he isn't someone I haven't seen in a long time but i'm happy* and saturday it's Collin's first last and only 30th birthday...wow is that old or what ;) I haven't seen Collin since my glow bowl bday party over a year ago. I was so happy to see everyone. I can't wait to see them all this weekend. Yay! I'm just going for the party then coming home so I won't get to see everyone but I'm still really really excited to see who I can see!

Also I'm super pumped because a certain boy bought me a certain ticket to a certain band Thankyou Dallas for picking up tickets to Face to Face!!! I can't wait to go! Also when I was looking at adding face to face videos onto youtube I came across this face II face-I want
not exactly this

Anyways I found a bunch of awesome DK and SNFU on youtube as well as some good ol' deana carter *mine and shane's dancing songs* and stuff yay for stuff. Well that's about all I gots night night.

tagged and noted

so I'm tagged and I guess that means I'm it....hehe thanks Tara May!

The deal is I need to post 6 random things about myself. Here goes:

1. I don't have many addictions but cherry coke, movies and music and texture are all things I can't live without. I've since had to go off the cherry coke since supply here is pretty weak. I only get to have some when a friend brings it or gets it from the states. Movies are my total escape from reality. Not in the sense I need to not be in reality but they get me thinking about art and design and relationships ect ect. I really should have been a movie critic. Music is what makes my heart dance, sing, weep, race and explode. And texture, I can't NOT touch everything I see in front of me! I'm super tactile.

2. I am an independent and confident woman warming the world with my sincere and contageous smile.

3. rainbows are my favorite color

4. I love to dance, show me a beat and I'll show you my soul!

5. Everything happens for a reason. I know people say this all the time but my life is just so connected on this crazy cosmic path of insane connections and happenstances that I believe in this. It makes me feel better about all the crap I've gone through because something fantastic always comes from the dark times, I guess it helps that I do everything I can to learn from my mistakes and that leads me to never having any regrets.

6. Rain on the roof of cars when I'm in them makes me happy. So does the word Nickel. And so does a certain boy who makes my pillow smell good. I love being me. It's fun.

I'm gonna tag someone now I guess, Allison!

words are flowing out my canvas straight into a paper cup they slither while they pass they slip away across the universe

so Craig and I have been dating for just over two weeks now. He's one of the greatest things to happen to me. He makes the world seem that much brighter and happier. I've been going through hell lately, my gramma passing and the baby smorsmortion and dealing with Jon, but he just makes it all seem less devastating.

smile

Had a really long day at the hospital today. I wish I could have skipped it cuz of the weather. We ended up going last night so that we wouldn't miss the appointments today. I had appointments with 3 specialists and 2 doctors that weren't specialists. I'm feeling pretty nauseated and yucky and worn out. This is my second trip to Calgary for this and I have another one on Tuesday... I'm so sick of being poked and recorded and filling out the same sheets over and over. But Tuesday is my last trip so that should be a good thing right?

My pillow smells of baby lotion hmmm I wonder why, thinking about it makes me smile :)
You know what else makes me smile. Face to Face getting back together!!!

Certain good smelling guys make me smile too. Yay for smiling today.

a few pcitures I owed

So my house isn't finished renovations but I know I promised to put up pictures so here are a few, I still have tons of stuff to do but ya, here they are.

I'm a binary code that you cracked long ago

Thanks for sending the songs richard. You get me so hooked and lost in YOUTUBE land for hours.
I love how crazy Sia is. She's this cute crazy woman who makes the way I act seem normal. I love it. There's nothing wrong with being silly, allowing people to put post it notes on you to look like a lion in public or put random stickers on random stuffs that make people smile.

Honestly when I'm feeling my best is when I'm being silly or laughing with friends or those I love.(which is usually friends but I guess family and cute boys are included is what I'm saying) so ya. Freedom is truly in fun. I love being silly and goofy and not serious when I can. I have my seriousness in check though but as soon as the time calls I burst out in a million pieces of funshine and just have a blast.

team sleepy

I've had the best sleeps of my life lately ok well maybe not last night or the night before but the last week I sure have. That's saying alot coming from me.

happy happy joy joy

saw mike and his family and his beautiful wife Allison today!!!! I was so happy to see them again. I miss them all so much. I got to meet Hannah who was in her mommies tummy last time I saw them. It was great. I love them all so much. I went and saw 21 AGAIN and it made me dream of vegas once again. Inventory went well over the weekend which was also filled with fun and movies. I'm so happy right now. I can't tell you enough. It's been so good lately. Everything has just been falling into place perfectly. Things are good. I'm looking forward to things to come and people I'm going to meet. Everything happens for a reason. Change is hard but change is great.

the brave one

I seem to always, constantly, non stoppidly (is that a word? now it is) testing my strength. Today is no different. I'm mustering up all my strength and being brave and facing the world. I'm doing my best with what I'm given and I"m proud of who I am. I'm Me and no one can take that from me. So here I go, look out world here I come.

thankyou thankyou

I'm so happy Shane is back. I missed him so much. He's just one of those people who is consistant in my life no matter what mess we get in. I missed talking to him at 3am since we're the only two up. Anyways yay he's back in Canada!

Also I have to say that I've been really happy lately. I have become really close with my sister again and that means the world to me. Its hard to believe we just about murdered eachother growing up and now we're best friends. She's one of the greatest strengths in my life and my closest friend. I love her so much and I'm so blessed to be such a big part of her life and her kids lives. Makes me happy happy. She's always there for me and I know she knows I'm always here for her.

Last but not least I just wanted to thank all my friends for recently supporting me through my struggles, I won't get into details but they know what I'm talking about. Bosman, Jarrod and Lance, Boot, Dallas, Craig, Trish and Richard thanks for always holding me up when I can't stand on my own two feet. I'll be back on em in no time flat thanks to the lot of you gooders in my life.

yay my roommate is staying for longer!!! I'm craving apples and salad and work is stressy with inventory coming up.

sars bwains and blood

had a weird day today, it was a roller coaster day. Could be from the events around me as well as the hormones as well as the not being on meds. All I know is I got plenty of sleep before my appointment today just for the single reason of maybe having a rough go with it. But as the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy says (along with Richard today) DON'T PANIC! and so I breathed and went to a movie and tried to pull it together. And it worked out. But I'm still wide awake and hungry and thinking that I should make some dinner at 1:40am for some crazy reason.

My dad is going to come and help me move stuff around in the basement to upstairs and help me finish painting the kitchen so I can get this place finished up. I think my roommate is moving out soon so I should be thinking about that too but I just have too much to do right now. I'm gonna miss him if he moves. It was nice having someone here again even if we rarely saw eachother. I'm happy for him though. He's a gooder and deserves gooder things in his life. but yeah i'm really looking forward to getting the kitchen and bathroom done. :) I love my little house. It's been alot of work but it's been worth it.

I should get some sleep since I have another round of blood tests in the morning then ooooh lala work! Good thing I love both my jobs.

sans Garfield

garfield
minus garfield

Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb.

I've been addicted to this site and have to go to it every day! I love it! Thanks Matt!